One Million Moms
American Family Association
Dear Mrs Cole,
It took me awhile to figure out why you were boycotting Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream for naming a product "Schweddy Balls." I ran the name through my head for hours, manically repeating the words, "Schweddy Balls," over and over like an unholy mantra.
I gently clutched a pair of the Schweddy Balls as I chanted their name, stopping only to occasionally lick their Schweddy perspiration as they gained warmth in my cupped hand. Still, I saw nothing but delightfully tempting chocolate balls.
But yesterday, I called your parent organization, the American Family Association, to buy Jerry Ball's sacred saxophone music CD from their store. I had a hard time understanding the guy who helped me on the phone--he sounded like an Oregonian. I compensated by speaking louder and louder. He did the same, until he finally said, "You want Jerry Ball," but it sounded like he said "Lick my schweddy balls."
That's when it struck me that he wasn't from Oregon after all. Schweddy sounds kind of foreign; he was one of those customer service reps from India. Now, I understand why you're boycotting Ben & Jerry's. They're allowing foreigners--or even worse unJesused Hinduians--to name their ice cream. That's about as un-American an act as buying a John Coltrane album.
I'm sure I'm not the only one who was confused by your boycott. You should issue another alert to clarify that you're boycotting Ben & Jerry's because they're letting Hinduians name their products.
Heterosexually yours in a chaste, biblically appropriate, and schweddy balls hating kind of way,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot