Jesus is a monarchist, and Satan, a democrat.

I thank God I found The Thinking Housewife. Not only does she provide enough late week blog fodder to keep me from wasting precious seconds surfing Conservapedia or GodTube, she also introduces me to people who write things like this:

Christianity has only ever flourished under empire or monarchy. Democracy has always been the work of unbelievers, and it has always brought ruin to public faith.

Indeed, Jesus is a monarchist, and Satan, a democrat.

The author of that man-chest jiggling piece of wisdom, a Mr. Bonald, continues:

For many happy centuries, the Church worked with monarchical governments to build Christian societies; more than this, it was primarily the Church that lifted the barbarians from tribal democracy to territorial monarchy. Then two centuries ago, a gang of usurpers–atheists and freemasons all–imposed democracy first on English America and France, then on the rest of Europe. Christianity in the West immediately died everywhere–yes even in America, where the public culture is aggressively atheistic, and the Christianity of the majority is purely nominal.

Yes, Christianity requires an an enforcer, a Big Brother who isn't afraid to smite those who fail to show proper respect to Our Smiter who art in Heaven. Democracy is the philosophy of libertines and savages. While monarchy commands order, democracy inspires anarchal non-conformity--it allows people to be different, weird, uncontrollable, and, dammit, unorderly.

As always, those wine-sipping, cheese-nibbling, bread-delivering, snail-slurping Eurobastards from Frankistan are to blame:

France had been proudly Christian–with an enormous bounty of saints and theologians–for a millenium under the Catholic monarchy, and it could have been Christian for another millenium if deist freemasons hadn’t imposed an accursed democracy.

Now for a bit of ponderous pondering:

What is it about the idea of serving a king that speaks to the hearts of Christian men, even as the same idea inspires repulsion in “free-thinkers” and deists?

Indeed, why are thoughtsinners and thoughtcriminals so opposed to imposed order? What do they have to hide?

I claim that democracy is essentially an anti-Christian symbolic structure; it’s an atheist’s vision of the world expressed in institutions. Conversely, monarchical symbolism is extremely congruent with the Christian worldview and attractive to the Christian sensibility.

And I claim that democracy is communist and socialist and fascist and Obamunist and Corporal Cletisist because it takes liberties with the morale sheep without first putting a dollar in the feed jar.

Dammit.

Mr. Bonald continues:

The fundamental Christian policital principle is the social kingship of Christ: all authority comes from God...All Christian nations have developed a clear way of expressing this in their coronation ceremonies...The king is annointed by the senior prelate: a sign that authority comes from God, and also a sign of the Church’s superiority to the state.

Yes. God picked King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella to preside over His Great and Holy Inquisition. Do you think a President Columbus could have pulled that off? Hell no. The stupid bastard couldn't even tell the difference between Bali and Baltimore. Without Baltimore, we wouldn't be saddled with John Waters or Jimmy McNulty. And even if we were, you know HRH Isabella wouldn't tolerate those bastards. It'd be the iron maiden for them (and for Iron Maiden as well, dammit.)

Mr. Bonald elaborates on the perils of democracy:

On the other hand, democracy denies God’s sovereignty, blasphemously claiming to derive authority from the will of “the people”. Elected representatives...are not bound by God or national tradition. They represent the people’s unfettered will. It is no wonder that, when a democracy is in power, it quickly displaces Christianity as the official creed with an ideology more suited to its essence, namely the worship of freedom.

God damned democracy sitting up there all hoity-toity and unorderly like it's some kind of Hank Williams relation.

Mr. Bonald concludes:

Finally, democracy is stupid and vulgar, while Christianity is sublime. Therefore, they naturally repel.

Yes, "democracy is stupid and vulgar" and as I keep saying, unorderly. Even the word, "democracy," sounds unorderly (as well as tinny). Now, "monarchy," that's a good, woody, orderly kind of word. It's exudes orderliness, like "howitzer." By God, now that's an orderly word. HOW-IT-ZER! Just saying it gives me neatly aligned goose pimples. I'm talking orderly formations of goose pimples placed with Germanic precision.

And .357 magnum. Yeah. Orderly. You hear someone say ".357 magnum," and by God, you know, WE WILL HAVE ORDER AND WE WILL HAVE IT NOW! WORM!

Fifty caliber sniper rifle! Waterboard! Dodge Ram Truck! Get in line you democracy-loving bastards and let me teach you about the soul crushing orderliness of God-ordered goodthink!