A Fist Full of Foreskins

Edward John
Edward John Ministries
Christian Advice Columnist

Dear Pastor John,

My preparations to transfer ownership of my daughter's uterus to a nice young man have a hit a bit of a snag. Yesterday, he was arrested while putting together a 1 Samuel 18:27 dowry. Apparently, the secularistofascists who write and enforce our laws consider the biblically-approved practice of forcibly taking a man's foreskin to be a serious crime.

My potential son-in-law has been working on the dowry for months, but has only collected 7 of the 200 required foreskins. Sitting in jail is going to really hamper his gathering efforts. I don't think he'll make it.

My daughter is very upset. She wants me to take an unblemished red heifer or a couple of morale ewes instead. I suppose I could--both are biblically acceptible--but dang it, I want him to prove his worth. More importantly, I want those 200 foreskins framing a Tim Tebow poster I have hanging in my den.

This feels a bit like cheating, but I'm hoping you could ask your readers to help my daughter's fiance. Ask them to send him their foreskins. They probably should dry them first, either by tanning or perhaps jerking; I doubt the jail will accept ice coolers.

Have them send their foreskins to:

1 Samuel 18:27 Foreskin Drive
c/o Inmate #20975-37J
Tremonton City Jail
31 Tremont Street
Tremonton, UT 84337

Thanks.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian