Using Viagra and The Pill in an Appropriately Republican Way

Rep. Debbie Lesko
Majority Whip
Arizona House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Lesko,

Although I support your bill to require not-men to tell their employers whether they are using birth control pills for sexual reasons, I worry it discriminates against men. I mean, hey, why should not-men be given the ability to assure their bosses that they're using whore pills for purely non-wangity-dangity reasons, and, yet, men are left open to all sorts of speculation about their Viagra use.

Unfortunately, most people perceive Viagra and other hardening agents to be lucky day medications when, in fact, they are used in many non-sexual applications.

Confidence-building is one example. A man can't take his assault rifle or SUV into most public swimming facilities. Without them, he is likely to feel inadequate. But a little bit of Viagra quickly puts a huge dose of confidence into the ol' Speedo.

Spartan-style wrestling serves as another example of a non-sexual application for Viagra. It's what puts the "rigid" into a contestant's "Hard and Rigid Staff of Warriorly Domination," the instrument the victor drives deep into the vanquished's "Cave of Shame" to finish the match.

Please consider adding men and Viagra to your whore pill bill. Men deserve an opportunity to assure our bosses that we aren't using hardening agents to engage in filthy, non-republican activities.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste, biblically acceptable, and appropriately hardened kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot