Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Wednesday, March 21, 2012

The Vetting Continues

You've all heard the story of Mitt Romney's dog, Seamus, by now. How could you miss it after all the coverage the uterusitarian media has been giving it?

Granted, I'm uncomfortable with the idea that a presidential candidate could own a dog so cowardly, it defecates in fear every time it's strapped to the top of a moving vehicle for half a day. But there's an even bigger story about a man and his dog that the media isn't covering.

Shortly after his inauguration, Barack Obama welcomed a dog into his family. Bo, as the dog is called, is a Portuguese Water Dog, a black, yes black, Portuguese Water Dog. More importantly, Bo is an immoral black dog, a black dog who regularly commits acts of a sexual nature so depraved, I hesitate to mention them here.

But I must do so. There is no more appropriate way to honor the Breitbartian spirit than to vet the president's dog--did I mention Bo is black--to the fullest possible extent.

Please ask your children to leave the room before you continue reading.

I don't know how to begin this, so I'll just spit it out. Bo is an exhibitionist. He enjoys performing homosexualist acts on his own secret parts in public. Do you understand what I'm trying to describe? To put it bluntly, Bo proudly licks his man bulbs in front of people.

But that's not all he does. Bo also pleasures himself by publicly dragging his hindparts across the lawn, barking in delight as each blade of grass or dandelion bloom wickedly tickles his man sheath.

Imagine what foreign dignitaries must think as they are forced to witness Bo's carnality. I'm told Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu left the Rose Garden in tears after seeing one of Bo's exhibitions. They say he had to bomb Gaza for three days to get that image out of his mind.

Italy's Silvio Berlusconi's reaction was even worse. After Bo pleasured himself on the former Italian PM's leg, Berlusconi shared a cigarette with his new canine friend and invited Bo to party with him in Naples.

Recruitment successful.

Yet, the uterusitarian media doesn't report it. You'll find no ball licking photos in any White House press photographer's portfolio. I guess that's why we must vet the president here.

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