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Monday, June 25, 2012

Bobby Jindal's Sea Monster Creationism

Mrs. Esther L. Howard
Accelerated Christian Education, Inc.

Dear Mrs. Howard,

Congratulations. Governor Bobby Billy Jimmy Jindal will fund schools that use your curriculum next year. That means the state of Louisiana will pay schools to teach this passage from your Biology 1099 course:
Have you heard of the `Loch Ness Monster' in Scotland? `Nessie,' for short has been recorded on sonar from a small submarine, described by eyewitnesses, and photographed by others. Nessie appears to be a plesiosaur.

Could a fish have developed into a dinosaur? As astonishing as it may seem, many evolutionists theorize that fish evolved into amphibians and amphibians into reptiles. This gradual change from fish to reptiles has no scientific basis. No transitional fossils have been or ever will be discovered because God created each type of fish, amphibian, and reptile as separate, unique animals. Any similarities that exist among them are due to the fact that one Master Craftsmen fashioned them all.
My cousin-uncle Earl is absolutely ecstatic over this news. He's Head Science Pastor at the Dueling Banjos Christian Academy for Boys in Bogalusa, Louisiana. I couldn't get him to shut up about "sea monster creationism" when he came up to visit me last summer. Now, the state will pay him to teach it.

He also told me about another theory that is popular with his cohort of youth and science pastors. He calls it "trouser snake creationism." Apparently, there's a serpent-like dinosaur, Haasiophis, that likes to hide inside pastors' pants. They call it "Buford the Reamer."

Like Nessie, "Buford the Reamer" is very elusive--very few people have seen it. I'm one of them. Earl showed him to me while we were out fishing. We were just stittin' there talking about sea monster and trouser snake creationism and, suddenly, Earl grabbed my can of Cheez Whiz and emptied it into his pants. I said, "What the hell are you doin' Earl," and he explained that he'd discovered a way to summon Buford the Reamer.

Sure enough, it worked. A big writhing bulge quickly appeared in his crotchal region. At first, I thought it was simply his little science pastor, but then he asked me to touch it. I did and immediately realized, that at about 3.5 inches long, it was much too large to be a man part. I mean, my God, a unit that size would be a damned deformity.

Earl told me to stay cool and to keep it calm by rubbing it through his trousers. He helped by making soothing moaning noises. Eventually, Buford the Reamer had a kind of convulsion and just went away.

It was the most exciting thing I've ever done. Here I was, stroking an ancient dinosaur, living evidence of God's creation. Earl felt the same way. He had to smoke a whole cigarette before he could even speak.

You should think about adding a section on Buford to your curriculum. Earl says he can summon Buford at will--he lets his students stroke it all the time. I'm sure he would be glad to do a video if you could supply the Cheez Whiz.

Heterosexually yours in a biblically appropriate, god fearingly chaste, and trouser snake witnessing kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A tip of the ol' helmet to reader Blake.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.