Torture: It Ain't Just for Homosexualists Anymore

President Thomas S. Monson
Prophet, Seer, and Revelator
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

Dear President Monson,

I was very happy to hear that Elder Bruce Jessen was called to serve as the bishop of the Spokane 6th Ward congregation. As the psychologist who approved the torture techniques Leader Cheney employed during the Glorious Eternal Struggle to Resubjugate the Brown (Iraq Phase,) Elder Jessen brought Our Lord Jesus' gospel to life in ways very few had the insight to envision before.

Hopefully, the elevation of Bishop Jessen will signal a new way for the Church to minister to the flock. While the elders have tortured homosexualists for years, they've gone a little too easy on other sexual sinners. Masturbators, for instance, usually get off with little more than having their hands tied to bedposts, and those who engage in "oral lovemaking in the genital area," aren't even asked to confess anymore.

And think about how much more useful physical torture would have been when Elder Romney confronted the sister who chose aborting her little fetus-American to sefishly save her own life. Brother Mitt could have been spared weeks of performing tedious psychological torture if he'd had known he could simply waterboard that little haughty woman of Zion.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A tip o' the ol' helmet to emptywheel.

I always think of this LDS hymn when I think about Jesus' love for interrogation methods that cause "pain approaching, but not equal to, that experienced during organ failure".