Torture: It Ain't Just for Homosexualists Anymore

President Thomas S. Monson
Prophet, Seer, and Revelator
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

Dear President Monson,

I was very happy to hear that Elder Bruce Jessen was called to serve as the bishop of the Spokane 6th Ward congregation. As the psychologist who approved the torture techniques Leader Cheney employed during the Glorious Eternal Struggle to Resubjugate the Brown (Iraq Phase,) Elder Jessen brought Our Lord Jesus' gospel to life in ways very few had the insight to envision before.

Hopefully, the elevation of Bishop Jessen will signal a new way for the Church to minister to the flock. While the elders have tortured homosexualists for years, they've gone a little too easy on other sexual sinners. Masturbators, for instance, usually get off with little more than having their hands tied to bedposts, and those who engage in "oral lovemaking in the genital area," aren't even asked to confess anymore.

And think about how much more useful physical torture would have been when Elder Romney confronted the sister who chose aborting her little fetus-American to sefishly save her own life. Brother Mitt could have been spared weeks of performing tedious psychological torture if he'd had known he could simply waterboard that little haughty woman of Zion.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A tip o' the ol' helmet to emptywheel.

I always think of this LDS hymn when I think about Jesus' love for interrogation methods that cause "pain approaching, but not equal to, that experienced during organ failure".

Sen. Scott Brown Viciously Attacks Mitt Romney's Religious Beliefs

For the last week or so, Sen. Scott Brown has been taunting Elizabeth Warren about her Native American heritage. He says there's no way she could be part Cherokee, because her skin lacks the melanin that marks the swarthy hoards as being less worthy of Jesus' love than God's chosen Americans.

By assailing Warren in this way, Sen. Brown is attacking Mitt Romney's most deeply held religious beliefs about Native Americans, or "Lamanites" as Mitt calls them. According to the late Mormon prophet, seer and revelator, Spencer W. Kimball, God is lifting His melanin curse from righteous Lamanites thus making them as "white and delightsome" as a bonafide Osmond.

From President Kimball's October 1960 General Conference sermon (published in the Church's official organ, "The Improvement Era" (December 1960, p. 223):

I am sure. The day of the Lamanites is nigh. For years they have been growing delightsome, and they are now becoming white and delightsome, as they were promised. In this picture of the twenty Lamanite missionaries, fifteen of the twenty were as light as Anglos; five were darker but equally delightsome.
The children in the home placement program in Utah are often lighter than their brothers and sisters in the hogans on the reservation.

At one meeting a father and mother and their sixteen-year-old daughter were present, the little member girl—sixteen —sitting between the dark father and mother, and it was evident she was several shades lighter than her parents — on the same reservation, in the same hogan, subject to the same sun and wind and weather. There was the doctor in a Utah city who for two years had had an Indian boy in his home who stated that he was some shades lighter than the younger brother just coming into the program from the reservation. These young members of the Church are changing to whiteness and to delightsomeness. One white elder jokingly said that he and his companion were donating blood regularly to the hospital in the hope that the process might be accelerated.

We Thank Thee O God for a Prophet

The good saints at Main Street Plaza, pointed me to a great site about the Prophet, Joseph Smith's, 34 wives. I haven't had time to read through all of the short biographical portraits, but the few I have read make me want to sing out the words of that old Mormon hymn, "We Thank Thee O God for a Prophet."

A couple, like the story 16 year old Fanny Alger, also cued up a second hymn, "Come Come Ye Saints" on my internal jukebox. "Gird up your loins," indeed:

At the time, Fanny was living in the Smith home, perhaps helping Emma with house work and the children. Ann Eliza Webb recalls, “Mrs. Smith had an adopted daughter, a very pretty, pleasing young girl, about seventeen years old. She was extremely fond of her; no mother could be more devoted, and their affection for each other was a constant object of remark, so absorbing and genuine did it seem”.

Joseph kept his marriage to Fanny out of the view of the public, and his wife Emma. Chauncey Webb recounts Emma’s later discovery of the relationship: “Emma was furious, and drove the girl, who was unable to conceal the consequences of her celestial relation with the prophet, out of her house”.

I feel very bad for Joseph's first wife, Emma. She was so obviously in Satan's grip, resisting "The Principle" as she did.

Of course, Joseph couldn't allow such behavior from one of his wives. He was a prophet, by jiminy, and he responded much like the prophets of old:

On August 22nd Clayton recorded: “President Joseph told me that he had difficulty with E[mma] yesterday. She rode up to Woodworths with him and called while he came to the Temple. When he returned she was demanding the gold watch of F[lora]. He reproved her for her evil treatment. On their return home she abused him much and also when he got home. He had to use harsh measures to put a stop to her abuse but finally succeeded.”

Some of the prophet's later wives also rejected The Principle. Fourteen year old Helen Mar Kimball, was one of them, at least initially:

In 1843 Apostle Heber C. Kimball had an important talk with his only daughter, fourteen-year-old Helen Mar. She wrote: “Without any preliminaries [my Father] asked me if I would believe him if he told me that it was right for married men to take other wives...The first impulse was anger...my sensibilities were painfully touched. I felt such a sense of personal injury and displeasure; for to mention such a thing to me I thought altogether unworthy of my father, and as quick as he spoke, I replied to him, short and emphatically, ‘No I wouldn’t!’...This was the first time that I ever openly manifested anger towards him...Then he commenced talking seriously and reasoned and explained the principle, and why it was again to be established upon the earth. [This] had a similar effect to a sudden shock of a small earthquake.”

Helen's mother was also moved by Satan's whisperings:

The next morning Joseph visited the Kimball home. "[He explained] the principle of Celestial marrage...After which he said to me, ‘If you will take this step, it will ensure your eternal salvation & exaltation and that of your father’s household & all of your kindred.[‘] This promise was so great that I willingly gave myself to purchase so glorious a reward. None but God & his angels could see my mother’s bleeding heart-when Joseph asked her if she was willing...She had witnessed the sufferings of others, who were older & who better understood the step they were taking, & to see her child, who had scarcely seen her fifteenth summer, following in the same thorny path, in her mind she saw the misery which was as sure to come...; but it was all hidden from me.”

But Lucifer's work was for naught. Helen married the Prophet Joseph, and eventually grew to understand the importance of plural marriage:

I learned that plural marriage is a celestial principle, and saw... the necessity of obedience to those who hold the priesthood, and the danger of rebelling against or speaking lightly of the Lord’s annointed”

Cain Walks Among Us

As a Mormon, I revere the late prophet, seer, and revelator, Spencer W. Kimball. Indeed, if it wasn't for the giving-the-priesthood-to-the-unUtahishly hued thing, I'd say he ranked right up there with Brigham Young, Joseph Smith, and Ezra Taft Benson on any list of the greatest prophets. After all, God chose his prophetical reign to begin bleaching Native Americans.

Unfortunately, few people recall an even more important Kimball pronouncement: Cain is Bigfoot.

From the Prophet's book, "The Miracle of Forgiveness:"

“On the sad character Cain, an interesting story comes to us from Lycurgus A. Wilson’s book on the life of David W. Patten. From the book I quote an extract from a letter by Abraham O. Smoot giving his recollection of David Patten’s account of meeting ‘a very remarkable person who had represented himself as being Cain.’ “

“As I was riding along the road on my mule I suddenly noticed a very strange personage walking beside me…. His head was about even with my shoulders as I sat in my saddle. He wore no clothing, but was covered with hair. His skin was very dark. I asked him where he dwelt and he replied that he had no home, that he was a wanderer in the earth and traveled to and fro. He said he was a very miserable creature, that he had earnestly sought death during his sojourn upon the earth, but that he could not die, and his mission was to destroy the souls of men. About the time he expressed himself thus, I rebuked him in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by virtue of the holy priesthood, and commanded him to go hence, and he immediately departed out of my sight…”

How Mitt stays pure

It's been about 4 years since I last listed the steps one needs to take to remain pure. This system was created by Elder Mark E. Peterson of the Council of the Twelve Apostles. I received these instructions in pamphlet form at one of the many required priesthood meetings I attended as a young Mormon lad. I'm hoping that if Mitt Romney becomes president, this system will be adopted as part of the Government's abstinence education program.

Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes.

Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company.

If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.

When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror. Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes — just long enough to bathe and dry and dress AND THEN GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family present.

When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes. By the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you.

If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED AND GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND FIX YOURSELF A SNACK, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry, and despite your fears of gaining weight. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak.

<...>

When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell "STOP" to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then recite a pre-chosen Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn. It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge.

<...>

In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called "aversion therapy". When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act.

During your toileting and shower activities leave the bathroom door or shower curtain partly open, to discourage being alone in total privacy. Take cool brief showers.

Arise immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity.

Keep your bladder empty. Refrain from drinking large amounts of fluids before retiring.

Reduce the amount of spices and condiments in your food. Eat as lightly as possible at night.

Wear pajamas that are difficult to open, yet loose and not binding.

Avoid people, situations, pictures or reading materials that might create sexual excitement.

It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly held in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases.

In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep.

Mitt Wept

I really don't like to do these posts--they aren't what this blog is about--but like Mitt, I think it's important to understand Romney as a person of faith, particularly since his faith is bound to affect his presidential decision making. As a former Mormon from a very pious "old Mormon" family and a former "Seminary Bowl" (like college bowl) champion, I think I understand Mitt's beliefs better than most of you. I certainly understand them better than the media and every blogger I've read.

I feel like I must comment on Mitt's confession that he wept when he heard that Blacks had finally been given the priesthood, an honor that had been given to every 12 year old white boy since the Church came into being. I'm sure Mitt hopes that we'll all believe he cried because he was happy that an injustice had been righted, and I think many people will be fooled. But the truth is Mitt, as a true believer, would not have thought it was an injustice.

I knew a lot of Mormons who wept with joy when they learned of the revelation. I saw them tearfully bearing their testimonies at the first Fast and Testimony Meeting after that. They did so, not because an injustice had been righted, but because a prophecy was being fulfilled. Mormon doctrine held that in the last days, God would lift the curse He levied against Blacks for being indecisive in the heavenly war between Jesus and Lucifer and allow them to hold the priesthood.

I am certain that Mitt cried, if indeed he did cry, for the same reason. As a true believer, he would not, could not, believe that the denial of the priesthood to Blacks had been wrong up unto that point. To do so would have meant questioning God, because the ban was scriptural in origin. It's found in The Pearl of Great Price (Abr. 1 21-27), one of the four "standard works" of Mormonism (The others being The Book of Mormon, The Doctrine and Covenants, and The Bible.)

Are a candidate's religious beliefs fair game

or "My Inner-Frenchman on Why Mitt's Mormonism Matters"

Other than a few irresistible satirical pieces, I've stayed away from the question of whether voters should consider Mitt Romney's religion before casting their vote. I preferred to sit back and bathe myself in schadenfreude as I waited for the true-red Republicans of the Intermountain West to react to being blackballed by the most powerful faction of their party's base.

But my feelings changed a few weeks ago after I read a Burnt Orange Report post on why a candidate's religious beliefs should be off limits. I've been considering writing a response since then, and what better time to do that than now, on the day after Romney gave his so-called "JFK speech."

I'll begin by saying that I fully support the "no religious test" clause of the Constitution. I am not advocating that anyone be barred from holding office on the basis of religion. I do believe, however, that it is proper for voters to consider a candidate's religious beliefs before casting a vote for him or her.

The weight one should give to this consideration is dependent on four variables. First, what is the candidate's level of religiosity? Is he or she unquestioningly committed to the church's doctrine or is the candidate more independent in his or her thinking?

Second, how dogmatic is the candidate's church? Is questioning allowed? How does it treat dissent? Do they believe their scriptures are literal or metaphorical?

Third, what does the candidate believe regarding the relationship between people and God? Does the candidate believe God speaks directly to him or her? If so, does the candidate believe he or she has special powers of revelation that are unavailable to most people? Does the candidate believe that God guided the hands of our founding fathers and continues to guide the hands of our leaders today?

Finally, how would the church's doctrine influence the candidate's presidency?

Now let's consider these variables in regard to Mitt Romney and I think you'll see why I think it's important to address a candidates religious beliefs during the campaign.

The first two variables provide us with clues about how much Mitt's religious beliefs would influence his presidential decisions.

The first variable, religiosity, is easy, perhaps even easier to determine for Mormons than for others. In addition to his public statements proclaiming his religiosity, Mitt holds a temple recommend. They are only issued to the faithful. As a high priest in the Melchizedek Priesthood, he holds the highest level of priesthood a Mormon may hold. He has also served as a bishop and a stake president (leadership positions serving areas roughly equivalent to parishes and diocese) He is unquestionably a faithful Mormon.

Mitt is a member of a very dogmatic sect. Dissent is not allowed. The late N. Eldon Tanner, a councilor to the prophet, once preached "When the Prophet speaks, the debate is over." Apostle Boyd K. Packer justified a large purge of intellectuals in the early nineties by saying, "There is a temptation for the writer or the teacher Of Church history to want to tell everything, whether it is worthy or faith promoting or not...Some things that are true are not very useful."

Now that we've established that Mitt is a committed member of a very dogmatic sect, I think it's fairly safe to assume that his religious beliefs would play an important role in a Romney presidency. But what are those beliefs and how would they influence his decision making? Let's look at the other variables and see what we find.

As a High Priest in the Melchizedek Priesthood, Romney believes he receives revelations from God. He believes God directs him to do the things he does, and he never makes an important decision without asking God for guidance and receiving a revelation first.

As a committed Mormon, he also believes that God played an important role in the creation of this nation; that he "guided the hands" of our founding fathers. He believes that the United States is favored above all nations by God, and that Jesus will return to rule the Earth from the city of New Zion, which will be built by the faithful in Jackson County, Missouri.

It is also likely that he believes that he, and his Mormon supporters, are the Elders of Zion whom Joseph Smith prophesied would save this nation as it "hangs by a thread." (JoD 7:15) How could he not believe that as he enters the presidency at a time when he believes we are in a life and death struggle with "islamofascism?"

So, like George Bush, Mitt thinks he speaks with God, believes that the United States is favored by God, and likely believes God has a specific mission for him to perform.

Now, let's look at how specifically his belief system would affect the way he governs. For the sake of brevity, I'm going to limit this discussion to one piece of Mormon Doctrine, the story of Nephi, Laban, and the Brass Plates found in the Book of Mormon.

The Book of Mormon, along with the Doctrine and Covenants, the Pearl of Great Price, and the Bible (KJV), is considered to be of the Church's "four standard works" of scripture. All are considered to be the word of God (although the Bible to a lesser extent because, unlike the others, it was not translated by the Urim and Thummin or received directly from God via revelation.)

The Book of Mormon begins with the flight of a family from Jerusalem. Once outside the city walls, the father, the prophet Lehi, has a revelation that he must take the "Brass Plates," a record of the Jews, with him to a new land across the ocean. He commands his sons, Laman, Lemuel, Nephi, and Sam to go back into the city and get the plates. The older brothers, Laman and Lemuel--who because of their later wickedness, would be cursed with dark skin and become the first Native Americans--weren't happy about it. The Brass Plates belonged to Laban, a powerful Jewish official--it was a dangerous assignment. After a bit of wrangling, the brothers decide that Nephi will go into the city alone to do the task.

Nephi finds Laban drunk and passed out on the street. God tells him to kill Laban, but Nephi is reluctant and asks why God wants him to commit murder. God replies with an ends justifying the means argument: "It is better that one man should die, than for a whole nation to dwindle in unbelief." That's good enough for Nephi. He chops off Labens head, dresses in his clothes, and goes to his house where he commands the servant to bring him the plates. The servant, who apparently is accustomed to seeing his master coming home in bloody robes and looking like a teenager, complies and gives Nephi the plates.

The lesson Mormons, including Mitt, take from this is that the greater good may require the violation of important laws, in this case, theft and murder. It's a lesson that is stressed in Sunday classes for adults and children as well as the weekday seminary classes all Mormon teens are required to attend. It's an important scripture and doctrine.

This is why it is critical to discuss a candidates religious beliefs. It gives us the best insight we can get into how someone like Mitt would govern. He's the type of leader who would believe that his actions are condoned by God and are not subject to Earthly laws like the Constitution.

Sound familiar?

Mitt Romney's Europe for Dummies

Few people know that Mitt Romney is the author of a best selling series of travel guides. That's a shame, because I think his guides rank among the best. Heck. they're almost as good as the ones you get at Motel Six.

I'm sure you've all heard about him telling Regent University's Class of 2007 that people can enter into seven-year marriages in France. It sure seemed to surprise people, especially the French. But it wasn't a surprise to those of us who've read Mitt Romney's Europe for Dummies--it's on page 97.

Here are some of the other great tips you'll find there.

Page 12:

European Pharmacies - Always take the blue pill; it's a known quantity. The red pill will bring you nothing but trouble.

Page 43:

England, The Shire - Enjoy the food at breakfast, second breakfast, elevenses, luncheon, tea, dinner and supper, but don't smoke the brown pipeweed. The brown pipeweed is bad.

Page 47:

England, Nottingham - Avoid the Sheriff. Frank Miller and his gang are riding into town to kill him. It's best not to get involved.

Page 60:

Germany, Dusseldorf - The tunnel is under the stove and the coffeepot is a radio.

Page 68:

Sicily, Corleone - For God's sake don't let your wife start the car.

Page 76:

The Netherlands, Deventer -The purple pipeweed is good and the ladies are babalicious at Garth's Party On Cafe.

Page 92:

France, The Grail at Castle Anthrax - The grail is fake. It's merely a grail-shaped beacon. It is customary to punish those who lit it (Zoot, her identical sister, Dingo, and the other schoolgirls) by spanking them and allowing them to give you the oral sex.

Page 117:

Spain: Well I never been to Spain. But I kinda like the music. Say the ladies are insane there. And they sure know how to use it. They don't abuse it. Never gonna lose it. I can't refuse it, umm.

Elsewhere: OfPastordan wants to go to France and Jon Swift takes a look at what's on Mitt's bookshelf.

This, Mitt Believes (Volume 2)

There is nothing more sacred to Mormons than our temples. It's where we are sealed (married) to our partners. It's also where we perform marriages and baptisms for the dead so they can be saved. Most importantly, it's where we receive the endowments, or tokens, we'll need to get into the Celestial Kingdom (heaven). What are these tokens? Well, let's take a look at the script for the temple ceremony:

THE FIRST TOKEN OF THE AARONIC PRIESTHOOD
ELOHIM: We will now give unto you the First Token of the Aaronic Priesthood with its accompanying name, and sign. Before doing this, we desire to impress upon your minds the sacred character of the First Token of the Aaronic Priesthood, with its accompanying name and sign, as well as that of all the other tokens of the Holy Priesthood, with their names, and signs, which you will receive in the temple this day. They are most sacred, and are guarded by solemn covenants and obligations made in the prescense of God, Angels and these witnesses to hold them sacred and under no condition, even at the peril of your life, will you ever divulge them, except at a certain place in the temple that will be shown you hereafter.

The First Token of the Aaronic Priesthood is given by clasping the right hands and placing the joint of the thumb directly over the first knuckle of the hand, in this manner.

(The Officiator, representing Elohim, takes the right hand of the male witness, who represents Adam at the alter, and demonstrates the token. The male witness, who remains kneeling, is obliged to raise his hand above his head while receiving the grip, thus enabling the patrons to view the manner in which the token is to be given.)

[...]

SECOND TOKEN OF THE AARONIC PRIESTHOOD

PETER: A couple will now come to the altar. (The witness couple kneels at the altar as before.) With the robe on the left shoulder, you are prepared to officiate in the ordinances of the Aaronic Priesthood. We will now give unto you the Second Token of the Aaronic Priesthood with its accompanying name, and sign. This Token is given by clasping the right hands and placing the joint of the thumb between the first and second knuckles of the hand, in this manner.

(The Officiator and the male witness joins hands in the token, and slightly raise their hands to demonstrate in to the patrons.)

[...]

FIRST TOKEN OF THE MELCHIZEDEK PRIESTHOOD OR SIGN OF THE NAIL

PETER: We will now give unto you the First Token of the Melchizedek Priesthood, or the sign of the Nail, with its accompanying name and sign. This token is received by bringing the right hand into this position: the hand vertical, the fingers close together, and the thumb extended; and the person giving the token placing the tip of the forefinger of his right hand in the center of the palm, and the thumb opposite on the back of the hand of the one receiving it, in this manner. We desire all to receive it. All arise.

(After Officiator and male witness demonstrate token at the altar, temple workers circulate around room to administer this token to the patrons.)

[...]

SECOND TOKEN OF THE MELCHIZEDEK PRIESTHOOD, THE PATRIARCHAL GRIP, OR SURE SIGN OF THE NAIL

PETER: We will now give unto you the Second Token of the Melchizedek Priesthood, the Patriarchal Grip, or the Sure Sign of the Nail, with its accompanying sign. This token has reference to the crucifixtion of the Savior. When he was placed upon the cross, the crucifiers drove nails through the palms of his hands then fearing that the weight of his body would cause the nails to tear through the flesh of the hands, they drove nails through his wrists. Hence, in the palm is the sign of the nail, and in the wrist, is the Sure Sign of the Nail, or the Nail in the Sure Place. This token is given by clasping the right hands, interlocking the little fingers, and placing the tip of the forefinger upon the center of the wrist, in this manner (The Officiator demonstrates this token with male witness.). We desire all to receive it. All arise.

(As the witness couple returns to their seats various temple workers administer the token as before, and each patron sits after receiving it.)

As I said at the beginning, you can't get into Heaven, or as Mormons call it, the Celestial Kingdom, unless you know these secret handshakes. Obviously, you wouldn't want to screw up at the Pearly Gates, so the temple workers give you an opportunity to try your new skills in a dry run held at the end of the ceremony:

CEREMONY AT THE VEIL.

(At this point, a temple worker motions to the patrons, row by row, directing them to the various Veil segments. A worker stands at each segment to introduce the patron to "the Lord" who is on the other side of the Veil. The worker gives three distinct taps with the mallet.)

LORD: What is wanted?

WORKER: Adam, having been true and faithful in all things, desires further light and knowledge, by conversing with the Lord, through the Veil.

LORD: Present him at the Veil, and his request shall be granted.

(The Lord gives the First Token of the Aaronic Priesthood through the opening in the Veil.)

LORD: What is that?

PATRON: The First Token of the Aaronic Priesthood.

LORD: Has it a name?

PATRON: It has.

LORD: Will you give it to me?

PATRON: I will, through the Veil. (The patron gives the New Name).

(The Lord gives the Second Token of the Aaronic Priesthood.)

LORD: What is that?

PATRON: The Second Token of the Aaronic Priesthood.

LORD: Has it a name?

PATRON: It has.

LORD: Will you give it to me?

PATRON: I will, through the Veil (The patron gives the first given name of the person for whom the temple work is being done).

(The Lord gives the First Token of the Melchizedeck Priesthood.)

LORD: What is that?

PATRON: The First Token of the Melchizedek Priesthood, or Sign of the Nail.

LORD: Has it a name?

PATRON: It has.

LORD: Will you give it to me?

PATRON: I will, through the Veil--the Son.

(The Lord gives the Second Token of the Melchizedek Priesthood.)

LORD: What is that?

PATRON: The Second Token of the Melchizedek Priesthood, the Patriarchal Grip, or Sure sign of the Nail.

LORD: Has it a name?

PATRON: It has.

LORD: Will you give it to me?

PATRON: I cannot. I have not yet received it. For this purpose I have come to converse with the Lord through the Veil.

LORD: You shall receive it through the Veil.

(The Lord and the patron, still holding the grip. The patron's left arm goes through the mark of the compass, and the Lord's left arm goes through the mark of the square.)

LORD: This is the name of the Token--"Health in the navel, marrow in the bones, strength in the loins and in the sinews, power in the Priesthood be upon me, and upon my posterity through all generations of time, and throughout all eternity."

LORD: What is that?

PATRON: The Second Token of the Melchizedek Priesthood, the Patriarchal Grip, or Sure Sign of the Nail.

LORD: Has it an name?

PATRON: It has.

LORD: Will you give it to me?

PATRON: I will, through the Veil.- Health in the navel, marrow in the bones, strength in the loins and in the sinews, power in the Priesthood be upon me, and upon my posterity through all generations of time, and throughout all eternity.

LORD: That is correct.

(The Lord and patron break the ceremonial embrace, and the temple worker gives three taps with the mallet.)

LORD: What is wanted?

WORKER: Adam, having conversed with the Lord through the Veil, desires now to enter his presence.

LORD: Let him enter.

(The Veil is now parted and the Lord takes the patron by the right hand, and pulls him gently through the Veil into the Celestial Room.)

Wow, there's a part of me that thinks God's going to have me clipped for revealing this.

This, Mitt believes... (Volume 1)

The kerfuffle over Andrew Sullivan's post on Mitt Romney's magical underwear inspired me to do a weekly series of posts on Mitt's Mormon beliefs. As the great great grandson of a Mormon prophet, Willford Woodruff, a holder of the Aaronic Priesthood, and an LDS Seminary Bowl champion, I think I'm more than qualified to do so.

We'll start out with Kolob. It's the star nearest to the planet where God lives. It's important to remember that. We Mormons get very angry when gentiles say we believe God lives on Kolob. It makes us sound crazy. God couldn't live on Kolob. He isn't a sun person; he'd burn his feet.



The story of Abraham's discovery of Kolob is found in the Pearl of Great Price (Abra. 3:3-9), one of the "four standard [scriptural] works" of the Mormon religion, the others being the Book of Mormon, the Bible, and the Doctrine and Covenants:

3 And the Lord said unto me: These are the governing ones; and the name of the great one is Kolob, because it is near unto me, for I am the Lord thy God: I have set this one to govern all those which belong to the same order as that upon which thou standest.

4 And the Lord said unto me, by the Urim and Thummim, that Kolob was after the manner of the Lord, according to its times and seasons in the revolutions thereof; that one revolution was a day unto the Lord, after his manner of reckoning, it being one thousand years according to the time appointed unto that whereon thou standest. This is the reckoning of the Lord's time, according to the reckoning of Kolob.

Joseph Smith translated the Book of Abraham for inclusion into the Pearl of Great Price by using the same Urim and Thummim Abraham used to discover Kolob. A facsimile of the original papyrus is included in the Pearl of Great Price.

The prophet Joseph Smith also used these "seer stones" to translate the Golden Plates into the Book of Mormon. Elder Russel M. Nelson (a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles) describes the stones:

Also, that there were two stones in silver bows--and these stones, fastened to a breastplate, constituted what is called the Urim and Thummim--deposited with the plates; and the possession and use of these stones were what constituted 'seers' in ancient or former times; and that God had prepared them for the purpose of translating the book.

Elder Nelson also tells us how they were used:

Joseph Smith would put the seer stone into a hat, and put his face in the hat, drawing it closely around his face to exclude the light; and in the darkness the spiritual light would shine. A piece of something resembling parchment would appear, and on that appeared the writing. One character at a time would appear, and under it was the interpretation in English. Brother Joseph would read off the English to Oliver Cowdery, who was his principal scribe, and when it was written down and repeated to Brother Joseph to see if it was correct, then it would disappear, and another character with the interpretation would appear. Thus the Book of Mormon was translated by the gift and power of God, and not by any power of man.

Elsewhere:

Calculate your age in Kolob time (Mitt is almost 85 minutes old).

Prepare yourself for Mitt Romney's inauguration by learning the words to the Mormon hymn, If You Could Hie to Kolob. You know Kathryn Jean Lopez is practicing her butt off.

Update: I think the Lord inspired me to tell you what Mitt believes. That's good, because it looks like the Governor is keeping it secret.

Shunned! Apparently, this post got me delinked from the Bloggernacle

Mitt's magical underwear

Andrew Sullivan, a God-fearing Catholic and patriotic foreigner, is taking a lot of heat for writing about Gov. Romney's underwear, or more accurately Mitt's Magical Garments of the Holy Priesthood. I suppose I understand why gentiles like Sullivan find our sacred underwear funny. It is underwear, after all, but does he understand that such mockery puts him in extreme danger. I'm quite certain that it's possible to shoot a death ray out of one of the garments nipple symbols, particularly the pointy compass-shaped one--I've always felt it has a menacing look about it.

While I haven't heard any accounts of garments being used as a weapon in this way, I've sat through many Fast and Testimony Meetings* where my co-religionists have provided first hand accounts of the sacred underwear's protective ability. A few of these stories have even made it onto the internet tubes.

Larry writes:

I was in a major traffic accident the night before President Kimball died in 1985. I was in a subcompact car doing 60MPH when I was faced with a 1/2 ton truck that had gone out of control and was broadside in front of me. I do not know how fast he was going, but we were on a major highway and he was travelling towards me.
I should have died in the accident, according to the police. I was suspected of having massive internal injuries, a broken back, as well as my right leg hanging like a piece of meat below the knee and serious facial injuries. Anyway, when one of the ward members came to visit me in the hospital a week later, he pointed out that all my injuries(other than severe bruising)were above and below the garment line.

annegb tells her husband's story:

My husband went out to cut wood on the mountain and he accidentally cut through his pants with the saw. Well, I mean, he thinks the garments saved his leg because the pants have a big wide cut in the thigh part and his garments weren't cut. So, there is something there. I think it would be very hard to cut through a pair of levis with a chain saw and not through your leg.

Of course the big question is whether garments can protect you against a Rovian whisper campaign on the eve of Super Tuesday.

* Fast and Testimony Meetings are monthly meetings where churchmembers "bear their testimony" about the truthfulness of the gospel. One of my favorite testimonies of all time was one given by Sister "Smith" in which she thanked the Lord for allowing her to have another child (her tenth) long after she'd given up hope of ever giving birth again. She gave this testimony a couple of months after her son, "Bob," and I snuck into her and her husband's bedroom and stole the big box of condoms they kept hidden under their bed.

Note: That was fun. I think I'll do a weekly "What Mitt Believes." What should I start out with? Baptizing the dead? God lives on a planet near Kolob? Indians are Jews who ride tapirs? Joseph Smith and the magical translation stones? Why God embraced integration in 1978? Jesus: using dad's prestige to get his own universe? Why don't the prophets talk about the sunpeople and the moonpeople anymore? How Spartan-style wresting helps you determine whether you're speaking to a demon or an angel? Other suggestions?