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Thursday, February 12, 2009

Words of Mormon Wisdom

Elder Mark E Petersen, Apostle of God:
A Chinese, born in China with a dark skin, and with all the handicaps of that race seems to have little opportunity. But think of the mercy of God to Chinese people who are willing to accept the gospel. In spite of whatever they might have done in the pre-existence to justify being born over there as Chinamen, if they now, in this life accept the gospel and live it the rest of their lives they can have the Priesthood, go to the temple and receive endowments and sealings, and that means they can have exaltation.
Elder Pertersen spoke those words a few years before I was born, but I remember another talk (that's what Mormons call sermons) he gave at a general priesthood meeting I attended as a teen. It was about fighting the sin of masturbation. Here's part a written version of that talk:
Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes.

Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company.

If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.

When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror. Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes — just long enough to bathe and dry and dress AND THEN GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family present.

When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes. By the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you.

If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED AND GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND FIX YOURSELF A SNACK, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry, and despite your fears of gaining weight. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak.


When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell "STOP" to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then recite a pre-chosen Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn. It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge.


In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called "aversion therapy". When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act.

During your toileting and shower activities leave the bathroom door or shower curtain partly open, to discourage being alone in total privacy. Take cool brief showers.

Arise immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity.

Keep your bladder empty. Refrain from drinking large amounts of fluids before retiring.

Reduce the amount of spices and condiments in your food. Eat as lightly as possible at night.

Wear pajamas that are difficult to open, yet loose and not binding.

Avoid people, situations, pictures or reading materials that might create sexual excitement.

It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly held in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases.

In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep.


  1. Did you know the Army makes special underwear for Mormon recruits? It's true. When I was in Basic at Ft. Leonard Wood, two guys in my platoon caused a major incident when they lost their special underwear. They told the drill sergeant someone had stolen it from a dryer and the whole floor went into a two-hour lockdown with a "Health and Welfare" inspection. Turned out someone had taken it out, FOLDED IT, and put it on top of their lockers before leaving for sentry duty.

    After that, the platoon began a spontaneous accountability program. Those two guys were made to present the platoon leader with their special underwear every night before lights out.

  2. Ah, I thought those masturbation tips were from Boyd K. Packer. Wasn't he the "little factory" guy?

    I suppose more than one LDS apostle has covered the topic though...

  3. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity.

    I thought that was what he was trying to get people to stop doing.

  4. If you're the first or second wife and your husband has "moved on" to, say, number 10 or 15, if you're not allowed to masturbate, can you have sex with one of the other wives? I'm confused.

  5. If only there was some way to cut off the offending parts and reattach them only when they were absolutely needed, so that they would not be able to be used for masturbation!

    I'm talking about our hands, of course.

  6. Anonymous6:51 AM

    I think I just figured out what was up with that fat guy at the Quickie Mart buying Twinkies in his pyjamas, yelling "Stop!" while clutching the Book of Mormon.

  7. I, like most people of faith, share Elder Petersen's concerns about inappropriate Masturbation which leads to well, hell and damnation among other nasty unmentionables.

    In our house Masturbation is for strictly medical purposes only, that being the prevention of cancer and practiced on a rigid daily schedule 6 days per week as recommended by medical professionals in this article.

    You may notice that this has only been proven to work for Australians or of course those with Australian heritage (my family), so until further research that would leave out the rest of the world who should wait on further research if they care about their soul's ultimate destination. I should also mention that only medically appropriate thoughts are allowed during this sperm letting. Mental images of cancer cells consumed by sperm in a petri dish, STD's like warts also being consumed in a petri dish, and other medically appropriate images that can be found in the various literature about this matter, links provided by request. Warning this has only been approved for Australians and their descendants as of this time. Whoops, rigid scheduling demands beckon. Respectfully disseminated in Chreastionly inspirational spirit

  8. I don't need a reason.

  9. Jeff, I and, I trust, the other concreants will be praying for your soul's forgiveness and redemption. I know I speak for all, when I hope you will search for, and find, an appropriate, religiously acceptable reason for your rebellious behavior. Wishing you a masturbatory free future absent religiously acceptable reasons. Have a blessed masturbatory free day. Respectfully prayed for in a sincere and Chreastionly manner

  10. These are all good suggestions but I find that keeping a picture of Mary Matalin handy works wonders when the ol' monkey begs for a nasty slappin'.

  11. "If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness."

    Oh well, it was great having friends while it lasted.

  12. Dear General Sir!

    You learn something new every day, some times from sources you'd never expect to learn them from!

    I had no idea that the Book of Morman was such a good tool to use when beating off! Thanks to Elder Peterson's advice, I'll have to give it a try.

  13. "Arise immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity.

    So...I should....masturbate? YES SIR!

  14. Anonymous3:20 PM

    Perhaps if I eat enough unnecessary snacks, I won't be able to see my turgid naughty bits. I wonder if it's ok to rub one's vital part on the hard, cool surface of the BOM? Aww. Now I need to take ANOTHER cool shower...

  15. General, Sir:

    "When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror."

    How does one avoid that? I mean the mirrored ceiling in the bathroom makes it almost impossible not to see myself--oh, wait, you prolly don't got no mirrored ceiling, do ya?

  16. "Keep your bladder empty. Refrain from drinking large amounts of fluids before retiring."

    Yo Gen,
    I can't stress the importance of this rule enough.
    After a night of perhaps excessive imbibing, when I awake with a bladder the size of a hot air balloon and an ache from my stomach to my toes, my 1st action is always to check my little soldier to see if he is at parade rest or is in need of immediate attention.

  17. Anonymous6:55 PM

    Just testing.

  18. Anonymous7:05 PM

    "It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem."

    I don't care for the term "use" in this context, but does a woman count as a physical object?

  19. Anonymous7:10 PM

    General Sir,

    Brother Knowdoubt and his reporting of the "Australian Solution" has given me comfort beyond measure.

    I can't tell you how thrilled I am that my 20-year-old self and his disciplined, comprehensive, and now I learn, medically indicated purgative regimen has more than guaranteed me a disease free old age.


  20. Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing's 80 grit, Sir. Damn effective.

  21. I did deviancy treatment with sex offenders for twenty-five years. There are a hell of a lot of morman perverts.The directive to leave the bathroom door open when showering would
    delight a child molester with little kiddies in the home. My morman colleagues would say that you don't need to touch you penis when urinating. Use tongs. susan from seattle


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.