Where Mitt Learned Marketing

Last Friday. when I was looking for the Prophet's guidance in regard to how the Lord hates to watch "oral lovemaking in the genital area," I stumbled across a copy of "The Improvement Era" from 1960. It was the official magazine of the Mormon Church until it was replaced in 1970 by "The Ensign" and the "New Era". Here's how "The Improvement Era" described itself in its masthead:

Official organ of the Priesthood Quorums, Mutual Improvement Associations; Ward Teachers, Music Committee. Department of Education, and other agencies of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

What I had forgotten about "The Improvement Era" was that it carried advertising for the faithful. I thought I'd share a few example with you from that December 1960 issue.

The ad on the left is for a book that deals with a subject that nearly constantly occupies the minds of the most observant Mormons: "Communist Muslims are going to bomb the poo poo out of us." On the right is an ad for a product that will help us survive the Great Poo Poo Splatter, a survival kit that will help us create the year supply of food the Prophet commands us to hoard.

Mormons believe that "The glory of God is intelligence," and that's reflected in the Era's ads for institutions of higher learning.

When I think about science I think about BYU. They'd have every Nobel Prize in physics if it wasn't for the bias against the Kolobian Universe Theory. And heck, no history or anthropology professors anywhere other than BYU have published anything about the great tapir-riding Lamanite warriors of Central America.

My mother graduated from the key punch machine operator program at the church-owned LDS Business College. She didn't know jack about key punch machine operating after graduation, but she knew every scripture about the proper role of women.

If Interstate Brick was good enough to build the Lord's houses, it was good enough to build our little shitholes.

"Dear Elaine" at the Church owned Deseret News was "Tops with the Teens." When "Love's Labor Lost" bristled at his father's demand that he get a new girlfriend or lose car privileges, she told him, "learn to like walking or get a new girlfriend."

Postum is the traditional morning beverage of my people. It tastes like jock strap, but, unlike coffee, it's Prophet approved.

I worked at UandI Sugar while I was a senior in high school. It was the most dangerous job I've ever had. I cleaned the silos by undermining huge columns of hardened sugar with a pickaxe in 100+ degree heat. Once I undermined the columns enough that the sugar began to fall, I had to scramble out of a tiny hatchway to avoid being buried and crushed. Two people died doing that work in the decade surrounding my tenure there. But that was okey dokie. UandI was church owned, so getting crushed by a mountain of sugar surely earned you a free pass into the Celestial Kingdom.

Church-owned KSL Radio had the honor to cover BYU's legendary white basketball player factory. Yes, they helped give the world Danny Ainge.