Death rides a two-toned tapir

Sen. Chris Buttars
Utah State Senate

Dear Sen. Buttars,

I was very angry when I first heard that you are introducing a bill to mandate the teaching of divine design in our schools. To me, it sounded like an attempt to sneak the homosexual agenda into our classrooms. In my mind, I pictured a three hundred pound transvestite teaching our children about the various advantages and disadvantages of using particular fabrics.

You can imagine how silly I felt when I read your actual quote: "The divine design is a counter to the kids' belief that we all come from monkeys." Obviously, you were talking about intelligent design.

The fact that I first reacted with suspicion says a lot about our schools. We've come to expect that every new curriculum contains a hidden trojan horse designed to seduce our children into lives of wickedness. Have you considered the possibility that this might be the case with divine design as well?

Who is the "designer" in this curriculum? Is it our Heavenly Father? Or could it be Allah or, God help us, Ganesh? I hope not. My children are Latter Day Saints, and I'll be damned, literally, if I allow them to be seduced by false Gods. I pray that you're doing something to ensure that it doesn't happen.

I hope that you're not stopping with biology. Our children are being indoctrinated into godless secularism in other classes as well. Take astronomy for instance. Kolob, the sun that shines on our Heavenly Father's broad manly shoulders, isn't mentioned in any classroom in Zion. That's unacceptable. Utah schools need to change.

The same holds true for physics. What better way to teach Einstein's Theory of Relativity than to talk about the measurement of time in the Kolob solar system? The Pearl of Great Price* (Abr 3:4), tells us that a day on our Heavenly Father's planet is equal to a thousand of our Earth years. It's time our children learned about this in their classes.

And what about history? Do you know of any textbook currently used in Utah schools that mentions the fact that the Lamanites are Jewish? I bet you can't. Heck, they don't even call them Lamanites. They're referred to as Native Americans instead.

Imagine if you will, the many hours of joy we could provide to our children if we taught true, Latter Day Saint history. Kids love to hear the story of the 2000 brave stripling warriors riding their heroic tapirs into battle against their iniquitous Lamanite brethren. Why shouldn't they have the opportunity to learn about it in our schools?

Please do what you can to bring these truths into the classroom. After you've accomplished that, we can start working on an anthopology curriculum that includes information about the prophet Brigham Young's Sun people.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

*The Pearl of Great Price is one of the four standard scriptural works of the Mormon Church. The others are the Book of Mormon, the Bible, and the Doctrine and Covenants.

Thanks to Zelph the White Lamanite for the tip.

Elsewhere: calculate your age in Kolob time.