Bath Salts: The Secret to Ending Obama's Subjugation of Lubbock

The Honorable Tom Head
Lubbock County Judge

Dear Judge Head,

You called it. You predicted that if Obama won, he'd immediately send his blue-helmeted UN armies to seize Lubbock, Texas. Now, just one week after the secretly Amish Kenyan's re-election, UN flags are flying over your city.

Although the libunistfascist media failed to cover it, I'm sure there must have been one hell of a battle. No doubt the new armored personnel carrier and seasoned police commandos you funded to defend against the invasion held the blue-helmets at bay for at least a few hours. Still, in the end, Lubbock was lost.

Now it's time to take your city back.

It won't be easy. Your troops must feel absolutely devastated. They defended Lubbock with all they had and still lost. They'll need some kind of emotional reboot before they take the field again.

I recommend bath salts.

Yes, I know bath salts have a bad reputation as an appetite stimulant for cannibals, but all those face-eating incidents occurred after the salts were smoked. Computer antivirus pioneer John McAfee recently discovered another way to introduce bath salts into the circulatory system. It's called "plugging." Here's how he describes it:

Measure your dose, apply a small amount of saliva to just the tip of your middle finger, press it against the dose, insert [rectally]. Doesn't really hurt as much as it sounds. We're in an arena (drugs/libido) that I navigate as well as anyone on the planet here. If you take my advice about this (may sound gross to some of you perhaps), you will be well rewarded.

Apparently, just a little dab will do ya. That's all it took to put Mr. McAfee in a killing mood last Sunday, when authorities say he shot some goddamn random sumbish in Belize.

That's what you need to do. Shove some bath salts up your asses and take Lubbock back.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot