Teabilly Heaven is a Land of Piggly Wigglys, Love Segregation, and Flirtatious Sheep

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Back to today's post.

Keli Carender
National Coordinator, Tea Party Patriots
Twitter, Facebook, Blog

Dear Mrs. Carender,

I was very moved when I read what you had to say about Washington voters in the Seattle Times:

It's getting harder and harder for me. I was at Trader Joe's, and I was glaring at everyone around me...I kept thinking I was surrounded by people who are destroying freedom. It's starting to make me angry, not wanting to be around these people.

I understand your anger. It must be maddening to live in a state that not only voted for Obama, installed Democrats in nearly every statewide office, and reaffirmed Democratic majorities in both houses of the legislature, but also desegregated love by passing a homosexualist marriage referendum.

Certainly, no one can blame you for wanting to move after witnessing such a vile and traitorous expression of the people's will. I'd like to help you do so.

I've put together a map of states that I hope reflects your basic needs and values (see above). Take a look at it and you'll see that it includes only states that cherish such traditional Heartland values as legal romantic relationships with one's livestock and denying the basic human right to marry the consenting adult you love. All of these states, with the exception of Florida (where it was close), voted for Mitt Romney.

I've also marked the states in which Piggly Wiggly stores are located in order to spare you the anger you felt at Trader Joes.

In the article, you mentioned Texas as a relocation possibility. It's a good choice in that it voted for Mitt, outlaws sodomatrimony, and allows you to do the wang dang doodle with your favorite pony, but it lacks a Piggly Wiggly. Sure, it might have it's share of Safeways or Food Giants, but you can never be certain about what kind of folks you might run into at such secular grocers. At Piggly Wiggly, you can always bet that the customers, at least the Heartlandishly-hued ones, are just like you.

I think you should consider moving to Alabama. It's the only state that has Piggly Wigglys and meets all of the other requirements. It sounds like heaven to this old patriotic teabilly. I hope you feel the same.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste, biblically appropriate, and hating-those-Trader-Joe-shopping-bastards kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian