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Thursday, March 05, 2009

Thou Shalt Not Mock My Holy Sword of Anointing.

Pastor Rod Parsley
World Harvest Church

Dear Pastor Parsley,

It looks like that peace-loving compassion freak, Pastor Dan of Street Prophets, is calling you out. Not only did he refer to you and Heath Schuler as "authoritarians," "chickenshits," and keepers of "shaved apes," he also questioned the authenticity of your "sword of anointing" and challenged you to crawl out of your hole and face him like a man:
Anytime somebody like Rod Parsley - whose ordination consists of allegedly having a "sword of anointing" passed on from another revivalist, who lives in sumptuous wealth, whose family all seems to live in sumptuous wealth, who has been sued multiple times and had to settle lawsuits against his own father and teachers at his church, who lives in the pocket of war-mongers and free-market dogmatists, who wants to establish a theocratic government - anytime Rod Parsley wants to compare notes with me on what the penniless itinerant preacher and Prince of Peace Jesus Christ had to say on abortion, I'd be happy to consult with him. Until that time, he can stick his definition of orthodoxy where the sun don't shine.
You can't let him get away with that, especially the part where he mocks your "sword of anointing. I mean, my God, HE MOCKED YOUR "SWORD OF ANOINTING!" Think about that for a moment. He took the most cherished symbol of your ecclesiastical power--a long, thin rigid shaft of hardened steel, a carefully crafted thrusting instrument of righteous penetration--and held it up to ridicule and mockery.

You're going to have to gather up all the courage you can and face him--or at least jump him. Yeah, jump him, that'd be better. Enlist Heath Schuler's help. Yeah, get Schuler and hide out in the bushes next to Schultz's church, and jump him when he comes out. Have Schuler hold him while you pull his pants down and spank his firm bare ass with the flat part of the sword until he cries like Lou Dobbs at a Cinco de Mayo party. 

Then force him to watch as Heath spanks your soft quivering ass and does things, dirty but gloriously wonderful things, with the sword's hard, rigid, "Hilt of Hidden Exaltation." Make Heath work that hilt like Pharaoh worked the the people of Moses. Yeah, ooooooh yeah. Then taunt him by slowly shaving Heath's ape as you play Edith Piaf songs in the background. Oh man,yeah, like that...oooooooh yeah...errrr...uh...yes...uhhh. then, uhhh, look over at Pastor Dan and share a few moments of uncomfortable silence with him before punching him in the shoulder and offering him a bag of pork rinds. Yeah, pork rinds...and beef jerky.

That'll teach him.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. Make Heath work that hilt like Pharaoh worked the the people of Moses.

    Are you talking about Heath Schuler or Heath Ledger?

  2. General, Sir:

    Is the sword "annointing" or "annointed"? In any case is the annointment anything like Astroglide?

    Is it just me or does "Rod Parsley" sound like some sort of vegetarian porn star?

  3. Oh, my good god: “… until he cries like Lou Dobbs at a Cinco de Mayo party.”

    I thought I might piss my pants when I read that. That’s gotta be the best simile yet this week.

  4. Rod Parsley is his stage name. His real name is Rod T. Bone. If he used that name, he wouldn't have all these punk ass preachers calling him out.

  5. After reading this I have the sudden, inexplicable urge to dye my pubic hair green. I don't understand it; it's still a week and a half until St Patrick's Day.

  6. ditto what von Ebers said -- I'm using that one

  7. Dude, you're starting to enjoy this schism shit a little too much. Just sayin'.

  8. Why would Lou Dobbs be at a Cinco De Mayo party, were they short a pinata?

  9. That looks way too much like the Masonic swords I see for sale.

  10. Maybe he should visit a Utah naturopath in a while and see about getting that sword hardened up the natural, tremendously organic way.

  11. General, Sir:

    I saw that great GC(Cubed)R training video, "Animal House" years ago. At the end of the movie, Niedermayer is swept up by the giant hand and the legend on the screen says that he was later fragged by his own soldiers in the Vietnam War. I don't know about that, but I'd say he bears quite a strong resemblance to Pastor Rod.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.