Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Two strokes a freaking syllable!

Alan Downing
"Ex-Gay" Therapist/Life Coach
Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality (JONAH)

Dear Mr. Downing,

It can't be easy being a reparative therapist. Unlike other professions, the outcome of your work is not easily apparent. Physicians can point to a walking former patient as evidence of a successfully treated femur fracture. All you can do is say you cured a man's homosexualism, and any homosexual-like acts he may perform in the future will be asexual attempts to give or receive nourishment or relieve gastric distress.

Of course, you can also rely on testimonials from former patients or from others who've undergone treatments similar to those you offer. I may be able to provide you with the latter.

Here's how two of your former patients described your treatment sessions:
“He was encouraging me, ‘it’s okay Ben, you can take your shirt off’…here was a man that was much older than me, and I was around 20,” said Ben Unger, a former client of Alan Downing. “At that point, I was just staring at a mirror with my shirt off and he was right behind me staring at the mirror with me at my body. Then telling me to look at my body and feel my body. It was weird.”

“While I was standing there without my clothes on, he asked me to touch my genitals,” says former Downing client Chaim Levin. “Once again, I communicated that I was not comfortable with it. And he was like, you know, ‘just feel yourself. Just feel it for a second. So, you can grasp your masculinity physically.’"
I've conducted a similar therapy upon myself all my life and it's made me the 110% heterosexualist man I am today. It was basically the same method your patients described. I'd get naked and aggressively touch my parts, and, man, if the A-Team was on, I'd really go to town--the whole warrior thing would send me into a rubbing and pulling frenzy. And often I'd start screaming "I pity the fool" and getting 1.25 to 2 strokes a syllable. Can you believe it--two strokes a syllable--that's therapy on steroids!

Please feel free to use my story as a testimonial for your work.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian,

P.S. This also looks like a promising technique.

Elsewhere: "[Carly] Fiorina spokeswoman Julie Soderlund said it makes sense for the Fiorinas to be a two-yacht family."


  1. Is that my dick in your fantasy or are you happy to therapize me?

    p.s. refudiate the cure at your own peril!


  2. Monkeys in the pants! Man, you cannot BEAT monkeys in the pants. Hey, I said beat, didn't I? Perhaps I am less OT than I thought...

  3. Anonymous5:55 AM

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  4. 1. Does Mr. Downing have a license he can lose?

    2. "Bad-hair" "Double-Yacht" Carly has some 'splainin' to do.

  5. Man, and I don't know how many thousands of guys I've cured over the years!

    Don't I deserve some sort of...reimbursement for my services?

  6. Anonymous1:49 PM

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  7. That picture of Mr. going Downing! Rocks the meter on the Gaydar to at least level 8. Does Joe.My.God have a dating site? Someone should submit his pic with a profile. I bet it will get a lot of takers. (And even more who want to be givers...)

  8. Very clever man is Downing. He is making a 20 year old man feel comfortable about being semi clothed and playing with himself with other men gawping. It's perfect. I mean, how else do you really get rid of teh gay other than showing the mistakenly gay acts are entirely hetero?
    Step two, after the man is accustomed to Downing watching him touch himself is to have Downing touch him. I bet the real point of the lesson is when Downing has to use a tissue afterwards *proving* to the confused, young semi nude man that what just happened was entirely hetero. Cured!!!


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.