Jesus' General

My son is also our Father

I've become a father. I never thought I'd have a child, because Klinton killed my "little soldier". Many of you already know that story , so I won't repeat the whole thing again here, but in short, my little soldier stop standing at attention after a bunch of Klinton's agents disguised as prisoners repeatedly and unsuccessfully tried to shove a long cylindrical object--I suspect it was some kind of transmitter--deep inside me. They must have drugged me, because I really enjoyed the experience. I suspect these drugs killed my little soldier although Private Johnson still stirs sometimes when I'm watching wrestling or gladiator movies on TV. I think it's the sight of manly combat that wakes him from his slumber. The call to battle is irresistible to a warrior like myself.

Anyway, with my little soldier out of action, I thought I'd never be a father. Imagine my surprise when I learned that Mrs. Christian was in a family way. It seemed like a miracle--I mean, how could she become pregnant if we hadn't been able to do married people things for such a long time?

Then it occurred to me. It must be a case of immaculate conception. That could only mean one thing. The Lord has chosen our family to be the means of his second coming. I'm not really all that surprised now that I think about it. We are very pious and God-fearing and all.

My neighbor, a Mexican man named Jesus who's always hanging around our house, agreed. He said it was obviously a case of immaculate conception and that we should name the child Jesus just like him because the baby really is Jesus -- the real Jesus. He was very happy for us. He and my wife kept looking at each other and giggling with joy throughout the discussion.

I was kind of freaked out when he was born because he was very dark complected. He had jet black hair and dark eyes and brown skin like a Mexican. My wife said that God made him look that way to fool the Antichrist, because like Herrod, he'd certainly be out to get our baby Jesus. He's safe now. I'm very well armed. I wish God would make him look more Republican.

I'm a very happy man. I've been blessed with a miracle. I get to raise our Lord and Savior. I get to put him through the NRA's Eddie the Eagle program. We'll get to go hunting together. Yep, me and Jesus shooting animals and talking about manly things. It will be great.