Profiling St. Paddy

Last week, agents of the FBI's Joint Terrorism Task Force launched a manhunt for Ari Cowan. After struggling for many long minutes with the Seattle phone book, they found his telephone number and gave him a call.

They had three questions:

Was Cowan Irish? Was he connected to the Irish Republican Army? And why did his business card have a rented mailbox for an address?

Cowan answered yes to the first question and no to the second. He said his card had a mailbox because his office was moving.

The FBI became suspicious of Cowan when San Juan County sheriff's deputies reported that he had been seen using a video camera on a Washington State Ferry.

Cowan says he was told a detective had been watching him, had been concerned about suspicious pictures he was taking of the ferry and the dock. Not that the any of the officers could really know what was on the video. They never asked to see the tape, says Cowan, who offered it to them -- to no avail.

Cowan wasn't arrested. He says the deputies were courteous when they took down his name, license info and noted the Irish sticker on the back of his Subaru.

FBI spokesman, Ray Lauer, a no-nonsense kind of agent who harkens back to the glory days of law enforcement when J. Edgar Hoover and Joe Friday were kings, explained the task force's concerns:

When the sheriff's deputies approached Cowan on the ferry, he [Cowan] says, they lightheartedly asked him why he was taking pictures.

Not realizing the gravity of the situation -- the officers, after all, were jocular and not in uniform -- Cowan said, "They are for my long-lost relatives in Ireland, so they can come and take over America."

Uh-oh.

"Was this guy joking? How would we know unless we talk to him?" asks FBI spokesman Ray Lauer.

Yes, it seems that Mr. Cowan was unaware of the IRA's first rule, "When approached by law enforcement officers, immediately tell them that you're a terrorist."

Cowan's response to all this:

"Don't you know," Cowan jokes, tongue in cheek, "I'm a white guy. They can't do this to me."

Yes, Mr. Cowan, you may be white, but you are also of Irish descent. There are terrorists in Ireland, and we can't take any chances. September 11 changed everything. Irish-Americans cannot be trusted in these times.

You are not alone, Cowan. My uncle hired Basque sheepherders exclusively for many years. After 9/11, I turned him into the FBI because his hiring practices were obviously directed by the ETA. Furthermore, his father and mother were Greek immigrants. It's possible that he is a sleeper agent for the November 17 terrorist organization.

We must all be vigilant these days. Irish-American videographers and Basque sheepherder hiring Greek-American sheep farmers are everywhere. You never know when they'll strike next.