Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Thursday, September 16, 2004

Will Swaggart kill Crouch?

Paul Crouch
Trinity Broadcasting Network

Dear Paul,

I'm worried that Jimmy Swaggart might try to kill you. Recently, he told the world on one of his broadcasts that if a homosexual ever looked at him, he'd "kill him and tell God he died."

Now I don't believe those stories about you being a homosexual, because I, too, have breathed the breath of Jesus onto many a sinner's little soldier, and I'm as heterosexual as they come. As a digital deacon, I understand that tossing a salad here and there is just another part of the ministry in our highly competitive world of electronic evangelism. Sometimes, that's the only way we can land the most charismatic sinners to promote our partnership programs.

That said, Jimmy might not be as understanding as I am. He might very well believe that you are a friend of Dorthy's. What if he's been wondering about a glance you gave him at some long ago NARB convention? Now, in his mind, that innocent glance may have grown into a lustful leer, an invitation as obvious as a glory hole in a confessional.

You don't have to cower behind Jan, waiting for Jimmy to take you down. You must defend yourself. You must strike first.

Remember Jimmy's own problems a few years back? He nearly lost his ministry when it was learned that he paid people to watch him fondle his little preacher. As Brother Jed teaches us, having sex with one's self is having sex with the same gender--it's a homosexual act! You need to start hitting this message hard in your sermons. He'll be watching, trying to learn your habits before he clips you. When he hears that message, he'll have no choice but to commit suicide. Then, you can tell God, "he died."

It's either you or him. Good luck.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

PS. After watching the cycling competition in the Olympics, I began working on an idea I have to deemphasize our athletes' bulges. If I send you one of my camouflage bicycle shorts, could you get me a photo of Benny Hinn wearing them and a second one of him naked so that I can make a comparison? It would really help me with my research.

Thanks to Sal and Darren for the tips.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.