Beating yourself to death

Arlen Williams
Film Review Critic, The Illinois Leader

Dear Mr. Williams,

I just finished reading your review of Roger Ebert's review of Kinsey, a biopic about sex researcher Alfred Kinsey. I'm in total agreement with you. Your faith-based descriptions of Kinsey as a "Darwinist zoologist," "sexual anti-moralist," and "personally [sic] sexual pervert" are certainly more accurate than the glowing portrait painted by the film's producers and Ebert.

My guess is that Ebert is most likely one of those rare men who masturbates. I say rare, because like you, I do not believe Kinsey's obviously spurious claim that most men masturbate. If that was true, we both know that incidents of blindness, not to mention hair and wart growth on palms, would be a greater problem than it is.

I've done a lot of my own research on this subject. One of the first things I do when I meet a man is ask him if he masturbates. They invariably answer no. The very idea that I would even suspect them of doing so is seen as an insult--at least that's what I suspect given the frequency at which my question results in beatings and firings.

It's obvious to me that Kinsey was simply trying to justify his own sinful stroking. The man must have been a compulsive masturbator if your quote from former Captain Kangaroo songwriter Judith Reisman is correct and Kinsey did die from "years of sadistic, orgiastic 'self-abuse'."

Are you ever tempted to masturbate? If so, how do you resist those urges? For many years, whenever I felt the temptation to pat my robertson, I'd pay this guy I know to paddle my naked, hairy behind with a spatula. The problem with that was that more often than not, I'd leave the session with an even stronger desire to run my little soldier through his drills. Now, I follow the late Elder Mark E. Peterson's advice and shower with the door open, wear extra clothing, and handcuff my hands to the bedpost when I go to bed.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot