Abe Lincoln was a Frenchman

Rep. Brian White
South Carolina House of Representatives

Dear Rep. White,

I salute you, sir, for appointing Ron Wilson, a courageous defender of our great Southern heritage, to the State Board of Education. It was a bold move to put a peddler of anti-Semitic books in a position where he can influence a whole generation of Christian white children.

Sure, there are those who criticize him for organizing the John Wilkes Boothe Camp of the Sons of Confederate Veterans. They call it a racist organization and condemn it for celebrating the execution of Abraham Lincoln. They fail to see the scope of Honest Abe's treachery.

Lincoln was a RINO, a Republican in name only. He abandoned his conservative values, and by extension his God, the moment he signed the Emancipation Proclamation and ended the biblically ordained institution of slavery.

Although respect for slavery is making a comeback in our Christian schools, most people, unfortunately, have been brainwashed into believing that it was an imposition on brown people. In today's touchy-feely culture, that's seen as a bad thing, so Lincoln is celebrated.

There is still hope for people like us, however. Lincoln may be unassailable on the slavery issue--at least in the near term--but there's another way to bring him down. A new book claims that he was a homosexual, but I'm not sure I believe it. So he invited men to sleep with him when his wife was away--there's nothing wrong with that. Heck, I do it all the time and I'm as heterosexual as they come. I might accidentally have sex with my bed partner five or six times a night while I'm half asleep, but that's an honest mistake. It doesn't mean I'm a homosexual. And the fact that one of his sleeping buddies wrote adoringly about Lincoln's thighs doesn't mean anything either.

In any event, it's the perception that matters, and if people perceive that Lincoln liked to drill his soldiers, then it's good for us. After all, we learned in the last election that the persecution of homosexuals is a winning strategy for conservatives. It's the hook we need to bring him down a notch. I bet Ron Wilson would agree.

Thanks again, and if you're ever down my way, please don't hesitate to drop by. I'd be proud to share my bed with you. I have fabulous thighs.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot