Del. John Cosgrove
Virginia House of Delegates
Dear Del. Cosgrove,
I'm writing you to wish you luck on your bill requiring women to report miscarriages to the police within 12 hours. It's a good bill. It will provide law enforcement officers with the ability to interrogate women immediately after they miscarry, a time when they're the most emotionally vulnerable. It should result in many more feticide convictions.
We can do even more to protect the lives of Fetus-Americans. I've developed a small handgun that they can use to defend themselves. It's a fine weapon, but I've run into problems when I've given it to them. Fetus-Americans have lousy eyesight, hand-eye coordination, and judgment. They need extensive firearms training.
That's where you come in. I'd like you to propose that the Commonwealth of Virginia institute a firearms instruction program for Fetus-Americans, something like the NRA's Eddy the Eagle Program--let's call it Ziggy the Zygote Training.
I'd also like you to be personally involved in the project. I'm a big fan of your Have a Cosgrove Christmas CD. Perhaps you could write songs to help the little Ziggy the Zygoters learn to use firearms responsively. I'm thinking of catchy little tunes with titles like Don't Shoot Mommy in the Uterus and I'm a Responsible Gun-Owning Blastocyst Defending Myself from the Abortionist.
I hope to hear back from you soon.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot