Keep me cockatoo cool

Ed Vitagliano
Editor, AFA (American Family Association) Journal

Dear Mr. Vitagliano,

Thanks for replying to my letter, but I'm afraid that you've misjudged me.

You wrote:

How can someone who is so witty (I probably shouldn't contribute to your obviously narcissistic personality, but, then, who am I to judge?) not understand perfectly good English?

It's true. I've always wanted to work as an undercover narcotics officer in the music industry, but the DEA refuses to process my application despite the solid evidence I've given them that John Tesch is the Cali Cartel's top dope mule. I'm not at liberty to tell you how he does it, but I risked my life getting that information--Tesch is a stone cold killer--and all I got in return was a crab lice infestation.

I also plead guilty to a shaky understanding of English--until recently, I thought "spotted dick" was something you'd only find at Neverland Ranch--but I really don't care. I'm an American, dammit, and I'm proud to speak American. It's the language of real men. Why would I want to speak a language spoken by people who are ruled by a Queen?

You failed to answer my last challenge about your misrepresentation of my "Shark Tales" article

As I recall, you challenged me to prove you wrong. Why would I do that? I agree that Lenny the Shark is a homosexual. Like I said in my first letter, he's effeminate, alienated, and a vegetarian--all of the evidence is there.

(preferring, instead, to discuss your sad vinyl fetish),

I was merely relating my own reaction to A Shark's Tale. If anything, it proved your point. The film recruited me into a vinylsexual lifestyle.

and now you just can¹t seem to wrap your mind around the point I made in the article about "We Are Family."

I think your darkened mind is also failing your critical powers.

But again, I agreed with you. I, too, believe that the characters are being used to recruit our children into a life of depravity. Heck, I even strengthened your case by pointing out Dora the Explorer's shameful bilingual lifestyle.

My only problem with your thesis was your claim that Bob the Builder was involved. I just can't buy that. It doesn't make sense. How would his friends at the construction site treat him if they thought he was pro-homo? Scoop the Digger and Muck the Bulldozer would kick his ass.

Btw, have you ever heard of The Wiggles. My friend, DJ Col Harry S. Wolfenstein, tells me they're as homosexual as an IKEA throw pillow. From what I gather, they include two guys in flamboyantly colored clothes, a "ferocious but transsexual T Rex," "a lesbian cop with a mustache", and a tights wearing pirate who likes to touch people with his "feather sword."

If that's not enough, they sing songs containing lines like these:

Tie me kangaroo down sport,
[...]
Keep me cockatoo cool, Curl,
[...]
Let me Abos go loose, Lou,
[...]
Mind me platypus duck, Bill,
[...]
Play your digeridoo, Blue,

Just reading these lyrics fills my head with all manner of vile images of utter depravity. Obviously, it's some kind of homosexual code. It sickens me to think that our children are being exposed to it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Past Correspondence with Mr. Vitagliano

First letter

Ed's response and my second letter

Third letter

Note: I can't remember who directed me to the Wiggles' song, but thanks, whoever you are.