Real men wrestle naked

Jeff Gannon
America's Reporter

Dear Mr. Gannon,

I'd like to interview you for a new internet broadcast venture I'm starting, Rapture Radio. I know you have many offers from much bigger organizations, but I think RR is the only place where you'll be able to answer the recent prostitution charges made against you without being subjected to hard questions about truth--it'll be like Tim Russert interviewing Our Leader.

The way I see it, the Frenchman, Aravosis, put the worst possible spin on the latest revelations (pictures may not be worksafe) about your web sites. Where he saw a homosexual prostitute, I see a warrior who is proud of the hard, masculine body our Lord Jesus blessed him with. That's the story we will tell on my show.

Nudity in the company of other men is nothing for which to be ashamed. It's one of the ways we bond as warriors. The other is wrestling. Our ancient Spartan forbearers combined the two and created the greatest warrior society this world has ever seen. Your mention of wrestling and the pictures of your little soldier on the USMCPT web site tell me that you understand this ancient tradition. That's the kind of knowledge men aren't taught anymore. The very thought that the tradition lives on beyond my own little compound excites me in a strange and disturbing, yet liberating, way.

Aravosis' spin gets especially ugly when he turns the sacred argot of our military into something dirty. For instance, he suggests that phrases like "aggressive, verbal, dominant top" and "8+ cut" are some kind of homosexual code rather than descriptions of an effective first sergeant and the skilled use of a Fairbairn Sykes commando knife. He should be ashamed.

Thankfully, Our Leader's people understood what you were trying to do with your website and trusted you enough to issue you press credentials and give you top secret CIA information. That's the kind of rational decision-making God's blessed 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue with in the four plus years since grownups have been in charge.

I hope you will take me up on my offer to interview you. I think it will help. I would also like to invite you to our Annual Christian Militia Old Time Revival and Tribulation Preparedness Expo in April. I'm hoping to get the Christian wrestler, Rob Adonis, to bring his show. We could engage you as well to demonstrate your Spartan-style wrestling techniques. We'd all love to wrestle you.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot