Protecting Americans from Large Tanks

Chris Simcox, President
Minuteman Civil Defense Corps
Tombstone, Arizona.


Dear Chris,

It is sure nice of you to send a company of the Minuteman Civil Defense Corps up here to Washington State for patrolling the U.S.—Canadian Border. It's about time someone takes seriously the transgressions of the peace-mongering race to the north of us.

According to media reports, your first fortnight at the northern border was, shall we say, on the slow side. Therefore, I’ll try to help out by passing along some cultural context that will assist you in your Northwest Campaign.

Firstly, since your volunteers are mostly from outside this area, you need to let the posse know: Canadians are virtually indistinguishable from Americans in the Northwestern hinterlands. In particular, you are not looking for people who are darker and shorter than you. Furthermore, your posse members will be unable to distinguish the native language of the Canadian race from the Northern dialect of the American language.

Secondly, the Canadian race has no natural tendency to migrate south in large extended families to find low-paying, high-labor, no-benefit jobs picking pesticide-coated crops. No, it is not the people themselves that constitute the great Canadian scourge. Rather, it is the contraband they smuggle into the U.S. that threatens our national security and our way of life. And this is where you can really help.

Specifically, we need your Minutemen to stop the flow of contraband toilets into the United States. These toilets are the white porcelain indoor fixtures with a double-lidded seat and a tank on the back, not the wooden frames over a hole that is most familiar to your volunteers. Federal law (the “National Energy Policy Act”) prohibits installation of residential toilet using more than 1.6 gallons of water per flush; but, the insubordinate Canadians continue selling high capacity toilets in defiance of our national resolve. Intelligence reports suggest that Canadians may be major black market suppliers of high-flow shower heads and other plumbing fixtures as well.

I am privy to reports of a local back-splash against your presence—ingrates trying to clog your path and drain your spirit. But, I have faith that your movement has the intestinal fortitude to plunge into this work, toiling relentlessly, and leaving no stone un-passed in flushing out the illegal flow of Canadian fixtures being dumped on American soil.

Yours verily,

Darryl
hominidviews.com