Fox News Channel
Dear Mr. Ailes,
It is bad enough that Hugo Chavez is engaged in weapons of mass destruction program related activities, training mus-com terrorists, and acquiring Vogon battle cruisers, but now he's gone too far. He's insulting Our Leader.
Earlier this week, Chavez declared that President Queeg left the Summit of the Americas "with his tail between his legs" like a common dog. He also went on to imply that Our Leader treats Mexican President Vincente Fox like Bill O'Reilly might treat an employee--that is to say he calls Fox endlessly on the telephone, begging the Mexican President to swallow his falafel while he entertains himself with a Ream-Master 5000.
American honor is at stake here. There's only one way to defend it. Our Leader must kick Chavez's ass on live television. You can make that happen. You have a television network and Our Leader's ear. All you need to do is catch him at about 4 PM, just before he suffers from one of his daily gin-induced blackouts. Get him on a plane to Venezuela and hold a Special Prime Time Fox and Friends edition of Bumfights.
Not only will you make television history, you will redeem our national honor.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot