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Thursday, July 20, 2006

Biff the Elderly Bison buys the farm

One of the most cherished notions we hold as conservatives is the belief that government should be run like a business. It has been an article of faith for patriots since the reign of St Ronnie (or Grandpa Caligula as I like to call him--the friendly yet imperial sound of it appeals to me). Unfortunately, our domestic enemies hate the capitalist system and oppose our effort to corporatize government. Indeed, they do all they can to destroy those who attempt to make such changes.

Their latest victim is David P. Smith, a Department of Interior official. Entrepreneurial and vicariously courageous, Smith is the very model of what a modern Republican man should be. That's why Our Leader appointed him to be the Deputy Assistant Secretary for Fish, Wildlife and Parks.

Smith went to work transforming his fiefdom into a business almost immediately, negotiating a deal in which he was allowed to shoot a buffalo in exchange for helping a billionaire-American named Dan Duncan obtain a special exotic animal import designation for the Port of Houston.

The deal went down without a hitch. Duncan's men drove Smith up to an elderly buffalo (I like to think his name was Biff) and he shot it in the eye. A month later, the Port of Houston received its exotic animal designation. Everyone was happy. Duncan had his designation and Smith had Biff's head on his wall and hooves serving as bookends for his extensive collection of gladiator books.

Unfortunately, our internal enemies got wind of the deal and started to raise hell about it. Unwilling to even entertain the idea that Smith's actions exemplified the kind of entrepreneurial spirit that made this nation great, they focused on a technical violation of the law, calling it bribery, as if exploiting one's power as a government official for personal gain is somehow unethical.

Smith fought hard against their charges, but in the end, he was forced to resign. That's a shame. Although some might call him a villain, I prefer to think of him as a true conservative hero, just like Duke Cunningham, Tom DeLay, and Jerry Lewis.

Update: According to the article linked to above, Mr Duncan is a big contributor to Safari Club International, an organization whose name has come up before in scandals relating to this administration. I've written about them before, here and here.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.