Bérubé mocks me with his e thingies

Alexander Tristan Riley
Associate Professor of Sociology
Bucknell University

Dear Professor Riley,

While it's true that I asked Michael Bérubé to write a guest post for me while I was vacationing, you are incorrect to characterize my request as being evidence of a "relationship." Sure, we exchanged a couple of emails to set up his guest-blogging gig, but that is the full extent of my contact with him. Although it might be technically correct to call such an exchange a "relationship," I think most people, including your reader(s), might think of a relationship as being more than simply two or three short business (for lack of a better word) conversations.

Perhaps I'm wrong about that. I guess it's possible that people think of their interactions with their dentist's appointment secretary as being a relationship, but I doubt it. I mean, it's not like the appointment secretary is that 411 operator I call 15 or 16 times a day--the naughty little wench who constantly teases me with her suggestive questions about the parties I'm calling and the cities in which they reside.

Still, I suppose I can't blame you for thinking that I have a relationship with Bérubé. After all, I did give him the keys to my blog. That might seem strange to someone who doesn't know why I did so.

I've been very suspicious of Bérubé ever since David Horowitz added him to his list of the most dangerous professors in America. The little things above the letter e in his name are what caught my attention. Those tiny semi-erect lines were taunting me and all of the other brave warriors of the 101st Fighting Keyboarder Brigade, questioning our manhood in a very crude and obvious manner.

I knew I had to retaliate, but I was at a loss as to how to do so. How could I get close enough to punch him in the back of the head without risking the possibility that he might turn around and eviscerate me with his cruel fully-erect wit?

I decided to try to set up a relationship with Bérubé by asking him guest blog. Once I had his confidence, I could then wait for the right moment to bravely slug him and then run away.

Of course, I knew he'd wonder why a complete stranger would give him posting rights to his blog, so I employed a ruse, inviting all of the finalists for the Koufax Most Humorous Blog Award. Bérubé and I were both in that group, him for his wit and me, because the award's liberal activist judges were trying to marginalize my important conservative message by calling it humor.

My ruse worked. Bérubé accepted my offer and posted one article on my blog. But unfortunately, I didn't follow-up beyond that. I've been too busy working on my relationship with the 411 operator.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot