The Blastocysts of War

Laura Bush
First Lady of the United States

Your Ladyship,

I don't know if you're aware of the plan (Operation SCROTUM) to send 500 billion blastocyst-American commandos to the Afghanistan/Pakistan border. I only heard about it today. It's unfortunate that I learned of it so late, because, as you know, I've been working on various aspects of blastocyst-American warfare for quite some time. There are a number of holes in the plan that I could have identified early in the process had someone thought to ask me.

From what I've seen of the plan, it appears that the force is totally composed of infantry. That's bad. Little balls of protoplasm can't march worth a damn. It'll take them forever to reach their objective.

They'll need light cavalry, like the spermatazoan-American cavalry I keep in mason jars down in my basement. You remember them, don't you? I wrote you about my squiggly little troopers about a year and a half ago. You had just told the folks at the correspondents' dinner about your husband's passion for stallion milking. I asked you to send me his harvest to use as mounts for my troops. I didn't hear back from you, but I assume you've filled a lot of mason jars since then. I'll need you to send them to me right away, so I can put my tiny warriors in the saddle for some pre-deployment training.

I'll also need your help in getting me an appointment with the Commander in Chief (if Dick's not available then I'll settle for your husband). I need to brief him on my plans for a blastocyst-American draft and my work designing a firearm small enough for a blastocyst-American to use.

I'm very close to finishing the firearm. The only problem left to overcome is recoil. Since blastocyst-Americans don't have shoulders, the rifle tends to tear a hole all the way through my little test marksman every time he squeezes off a shot. I know we don't worry about such defects in our regular army's equipment, but we're talking about blastocyst-Americans here, and our recoil problem could be considered to be a form of abortion.

Anyway, like I said, I'm almost there. All I need is a little black budget funding--let's say $10 million, a Zenith P60W26P 60" Plasma Flat-Panel HDTV, and a Sony DAV-FX100W Wireless Home Theater Dream System--and I'll have the little assault rifle ready for production in no time.

Oh, and I'll also need parkas for the frozen embryos. Those poor little snowflake bastards will shatter the moment they hit the drop zone unless we warm them up first.

That's about it. Please get me what I need as soon as possible. I'll be waiting.

Heterosexually yours (in a way of which my wife, Ofjoshua, would approve),

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

PS. I heard about your eyebrows, and I'm praying that the Lord will see fit to heal them of their paralysis.