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Sunday, September 17, 2006

Of Boobs and Bulges



Dr. Ofglenn
Instawife

Dear Dr. Ofglenn,

Although I am as shocked as anyone that a woman would dare appear with a former President without first binding her breasts with an ace bandage, I think you and Ofwaterpic are missing the most important aspect of this story. Indeed, yea "heh" and "indeed," I'm amazed that it was the boobs in the photo that caught your attention rather than greater, more obvious danger displayed on either side of those iniquitous breasts.

Of course, I'm referring to the crotchal bulges thrust mockingly at us by the men at each end of the Francoblogger flock. Make no mistake about it, these are not mere random packages, they are deliberate bulges, displayed to taunt and humiliate good, patriotic men like your husband and myself.

And, by God, they served their purpose. The bulges haunted my dreams last night. They hunted me down in the misty recesses of my unconscious, and upon cornering me, pointed their gigantic four-inch appendages of evil at me screaming in the language of our enemy, "J' ACCUSSE, GENERAL, J' ACCUSE!"

I imagine Glenn suffered similarly. I hope you now understand why he woke up in a cold sweat, shaking, crying, and demanding that you acknowledge the fact that a man's size is too often exaggerated in our culture. And I hope you answered his pleadings with kindness and understanding, because the worst is yet to come.

I know, because I've been here before. The mojo of the francobulge is very powerful. Now that it has conquered our dreams, it will invade our waking thoughts, beating down our will by playing it's image on an unending loop inside our heads, until we give in and one day awaken naked on the floor of one of those bars where everyone dresses like a biker but no one owns a bike.

That's when the truly hellish part begins--the self-recrimination, the doubts about orientation, and the repeated trips to Seattle or Knoxville seeking redemption from the man who spanks people with a spatula for money.

So perhaps you should forget about the breasts and concentrate on Glenn. He needs you now more than ever.

Heterosexually yours (in a way of which my wife, Ofjoshua, would approve).

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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