Whisper campaign accuses RNC hopeful of being a closeted negro

For years, RNC Chair Ken Mehlman has weathered the most vicious, most troop-hating kind of rumors imaginable. The French, hoping to take him down, waged a whisper campaign in which they spun his love for the warrior ethic into a evidence that he is a secret homosexual.

Although normal, patriotic warriors like ourselves understand a man's occasional need to dress up like a gladiator and polish his sword while watching Spartacus, the French, warrior-haters all, are far too eager to interpret it as a sign that we're a little too friendly with Dorothy. The same is true for the ancient sport of wrestling naked in the manner of our Spartan forbearers. Our Gallic enemies are always quick to portray this act of warriorly comradeship--particularly, at the end of the bout, when one combatant establishes his dominance over the other by driving his short sword home--as some kind of perverted homosexual orgy.

So now, Ken Mehlman is stepping down. It seems that America's enemies have finally convinced the public that he is a hypocrite, a man whose love for the way of the warrior is in conflict with record of homosexual persecution.

And it looks like they're going to do it again. They've already started in on his potential replacement, spreading rumors that Michael Steele is secretly a negro, a charge that will surely end his chances to chair the party of George Bush and Bob Corker. Sure, considering his obvious contempt for brown people, that may sound ludicrous to our ears, but so did the rumors about Mr. Mehlman. We have to fight back this time.