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Tuesday, December 19, 2006

The George W. Bush Presidential Library (First Floor)

Since the The George W. Bush Presidential Library is in the news again, I thought I should update my design by adding a second floor. But before I do that, please allow me to refresh your memories by reposting my designs for the ground floor. I originally posted them in March, 2004, here at Jesus' General and at The American Street.

The Library will be at least five stories high, one floor for each of Our Leader's terms of office (According to Inquisitor General Gonzales, Article II of the Constitution allows the President to do whatever he wants to do, including serving for life--it's called the Unitary Executive Theory). More stories will be added if Our Leader's steady hand is still needed after the War on Terror enters its third decade.

First Floor (First Term)

The George W. Bush Presidential Library will be composed of five sections: the Entrance/Election Room, the Rotunda of Blame, the Archives, and the Economic and Security Wings.

Entrance/Election Room (To be called the Reappointment Room on upper floors)

The visitors are introduced to the interactive nature of the library before they enter the building when they are met outside the entrance by policemen who demand that each visitor of African descent show them identification. These lucky visitors are then told that the computer says their real name is "Willie Horton" and that they cannot enter the Election Room because they are felons.

The lighter colored visitors are allowed to enter immediately. They may then choose to participate in a number of activities memorializing Our Leader's triumphant electoral victory. My personal favorites are "Intimidate the Canvassing Board" and "Mob the Democratic Election Worker." Before leaving the room, the visitors are treated to a short show featuring and animatronic James Baker and his ventriloquist dummy, Justice Scalia.

Rotunda of Blame

We all know how tough it is to be Our Leader. It's hard work and mistakes have been made, but it isn't his fault. He's told us so many times. Every problem he's faced can be blamed on someone else.

A colorfully sectioned circle and spinable arrow on the floor of the Rotunda of Blame demonstrates this relationship between our problems and Our Leader's enemies. Visitors may state a problem like joblessness and then spin the arrow to see who's to blame. Choices include Clinton, homosexuals, France, non-Christians, Democrats, Spongebob Squarepants, and the American People.

The circle, made of petroleum-based polymers manufactured in China using oil from a well near Yellowstone's Old Faithful geyser, also signifies Our Leaders love for our National Park System.

The Archives

The Archives is the smallest section of the library, because there isn’t much of a need for space. Our Leader has made it very clear that transparency in government only inhibits his ability to govern. Policy making is best left to pros like industry lobbyists and others who have the financial resources to ensure that the business of America continues to be business. Anything else results in an anarchy where profits become the target of those who promote such socialistic ideas as universal health care, living wages, and a five day work week.

The main feature of the Archives is a 1/100th scale working model of the Executive Document Processing Center located in Chisinau, Moldovia (another example of Our Leader’s employment policy in action). Upon arrival, a lucky visitor is issued a pitchfork and allowed to process a wheelbarrow full of documents by pitching them into the Executive Document Thermal Processing Unit (EDTPU).

A specially constructed window on the EDTPU allows the other visitors to view the processing of the documents into beneficial gasses and particulate matter like carbon dioxide, carbon monoxide, sulphur dioxide, and soot. These products are released into the atmosphere as part of Our Leader’s Clear Skies Initiative. Their presence will raise the global average temperature, making Earth a more cozy place in which to live.

Visitors may also participate in other activities at the Archives, including hands on tutorials on creating National Guard service records and turning down FOIA requests.

The Economic Wing

Tax Cut Room -- Visitors are lined up according to net worth, and the wealthiest one collects twenty dollars from each of the others.

Employment Room -- Each visitor is replaced by an Indian and told to get a job assembling hamburgers at their local McDonalds manufacturing plant.

Recession Room -- This room's central feature is an animatronic Ed Gillespie seated in a wheelchair doing a Stephen Hawking imitation. "Due to a warp in the time continuum," declares Gillespie as Hawking," the recession only appeared to start during the Bush presidency." "It actually started," he continues, "six months earlier."

Privatization Room -- Each visitor is issued a cellphone and given an hour to persuade as many friends and family members as possible to contribute the $2000/person maximum campaign contribution. The winner receives an exclusive franchise to provide meals to a squad of Marines.

Environment Room -- This room pays tribute to Our Leaders success balancing corporate needs with environmental concerns. Visitors are issued "Clear Skies Initiative Oxygen Masks" as they step onto the "Healthy Forests Initiative Redwood Deck" to see a presentation on "sound science."

Placed above a pool water, the deck, made from genuine Sequoia National Forest old growth timber, serves as a reminder of Our Leader's plan to combat global warming by building dikes and elevating beachfront property.

Policy Room -- Visitors are assigned roles as various CEOs (e.g. Enron's Ken Lay). They then meet with an actor playing the part of Dick Cheney and draft policies benefiting their companies.

The Security Wing


September 11th Room — Dedicated to the day that changed everything, the walls of this room are covered with pictures of Our Leader standing next to firefighters. A mock-up of the Air Force One bedroom in which Our Leader spent the first few days following the attack is prominently displayed in the center of the room. Visitors may take turns hiding underneath the bed’s covers.

Patriot Act Room — Upon entering, the contents of all purses, pockets, and wallets are examined and photographed and all data from cell phones and PDAs are downloaded to FBI computers.

Transportation Room — Swarthy visitors and anyone who uses the word “ports” are immediately handcuffed and taken to Syria for questioning. The remaining visitors will be subject to random, and perhaps, repeated, body cavity searches.

War on Terror Room — Visitors are faced with a life sized figure of Osama bin Laden as they enter the room. After walking three feet into the room, they step on a pressure sensitive pad which triggers a huge hand that comes out of the wall to push them into the Hall of Reasons.

Hall of Reasons for Invading Iraq — The first thing the visitor notices is a large photo of Saddam Hussein at the end of the hall. He appears to be piloting one of the jets that flew into the World Trade Center.

As the visitor travels down the hall, animatronic officials pop out of the walls to declare a reason for going to war with Iraq. Condi Rice warns of mushroom clouds. Donald Rumsfeld pinpoints the locations of chemical weapons. Our Leader cries, “They tried to kill my daddy.” And Colin Powell tells the visitor that we invaded in an effort to install democracy albeit in a form that is hard to recognize it as such.

Intelligence Room — Visitors are seated before an animatronic Ahmad Chalabi. They are expected to believe anything he says. At the end of the presentation, each visitor is given a list of CIA agents who are perceived to be unenthusiastic in their support for our leader. They are then instructed to complain about them in letters to the editor of their local newspapers.

Victory in Iraq Room — The visitors view a short film about our glorious victory in Iraq. After which, they are beaten for five minutes by actors playing the part of Iraqi citizens.

Rebuilding Iraq Room — Each visitor is required to give a Haliburton fifty dollars. They receive a pack of Lucky Strikes from a WWII era “C ration” in return.

WsMD Room — We all know there is a WsMD Room. Visitors are encouraged to look as long as possible to find it.

That completes this virual tour of the first floor. Check in later to continue onto the second floor where you'll re-experience the thrills of Our Leader's second term.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.