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Wednesday, December 20, 2006

The George W. Bush Presidential Library (Second Floor)

As I noted yesterday, the Library will be at least five stories high, one floor for each of Our Leader's terms of office. More stories will be added if Our Leader's steady hand is still needed after the War on Terror enters into its third decade.

Yes, I know there are those who claim that presidents are limited to only two terms, but we've reinterpreted Article II of the Constitution to give the Executive the power to do as he wishes. The 109th Congress agreed with that interpretation; there wasn't a single objection from anyone who mattered.

Second Floor (Second Term)

The second floor of the George W. Bush Presidential Library will be composed of five sections: the Hall of Closets, the Rotunda of Blame, the Cheney Room, and the Economic and Security Wings.

The Rotunda of Blame

Visitors will access the second floor via a circular staircase that winds its way around the rotunda. Since it is a multi-storied rotunda (it gets it name from its first floor feature), there will be no floor or exhibits except for a sculpture of Our Leader's favorite author, Camus (pronounced: "cam-moo") which will hang suspended from the ceiling. Our Leader reportedly read one of his books during the summer of 2006 and was very impressed that a killer whale could write so eloquently.

Visitors may view the sculpture from the Second Floor Rotunda Balcony, a walkway attached to the inner wall of the rotunda. The balcony also serves as the entrance to the other four sections of the second floor.

Hall of Closets

As its name suggests, The Hall of Closets, is a a series of closets, all but one of which pays tribute to Our Leader's advisors in the War Against Homosexuality. Visitors are sure to giggle with delight when animatronic figures of Ken Mehlman, Mark Foley, Jeff Gannon, and Karl Rove offer them candy or demonstrate the meaning of military discipline.

The Bush-Rice Broom Closet is an exact replica of the room where Our Leader and the Secretary of State have some of their most secret meetings. Visitors are encouraged to sign their names on the 55 gallon barrel of vaseline found in the back of the closet, behind the strange and exotic strap-on devices.

Economic Wing

The Economic Wing consists of six large rooms: The Wall Street Security Room, The Buy-A-Pastor Program Room, The Redistricting Through Natural Disasters Room, The Adventures in Class Warfare Room, The Great Hall of the Drug War Somozas; and the Lease-a-Mexican Room.

The Wall Street Security Room

One of Our Leader's greatest remaining challenges is Social Security reform, and by reform, we mean transferring the hoarded wealth of the shiftless elderly to deserving people who work hard for a living, America's investment brokers. The Wall Street Security Room focuses on Our Leader's proposed solution to this problem, privatization of the Social Security system.

In keeping with the Library's interactive nature, tour guides, playing the part of brokers, will collect twenty dollars from each visitor for investment into a simulated private investment account. The "brokers" will then use the money to buy and sell simulated stocks for 15 minutes, levying a transaction fee for each trade. The visitors will receive their "retirement" pay out (approx. $2.30) as they leave the room.

The Buy-A-Pastor Program Room

Visitors learn about Our Leader's very successful Buy-A-Pastor Program by playing the part of an Office of Faith-Based Programs staffmember in a computerized simulation. Each player is given a million credits to dispense in grants to various pastors. The player who receives the highest return (sermons praising the President and his Republican colleagues) wins.

The Redistricting Through Natural Disasters Room

A short video on how the President used FEMA to reshape Louisiana's political landscape is followed by a little hands-on training. Each visitor is given a map and population statistics for a major city threatened with a natural disaster. They are then told to create a recovery plan which, if implemented, would replace blacks, liberals, and the poor with a more Heartland-oriented demographic. Visitors who incorporate a deal for the use of Neal Bush's software in their educational system rebuilding component will receive extra points. The designer of the best plan will be awarded a "Heck of a job!" button he or she can wear proudly at their next Confederate Heritage Appreciation Society meeting.

The Adventures in Class Warfare Room

Special "Ownership Society" docents beat up the visitors, take their wallets, and give the money to the wealthiest person in the tour group.

The Great Hall of the Drug War Somozas

Visitors will get an opportunity to hold some of the same weapons we provide to our freedom-loving opium and cocaine warlord allies in Afghanistan, Columbia, and Venezuela. Representatives from each of these groups will also be on hand to explain the important role drug profits play in defeating islamunistofascism, socialism, and rival drug warlords who hate America.

In another corner of the Hall, the Departments of Justice and Education tell their stories in videos titled, "Get Tommy Chong: America's Triumph Over Bongofascism" and "Why Mary Jane Can't Matriculate."

The Lease-a-Mexican Room

This room celebrates Our Leader's proposed Guest-Worker Program, one of the few proposals he may be able to get through the Democratic Congress in the final two years of his term. By leasing Mexicans, Our Leader hopes to bring the advantages of outsourcing overseas back home. Having no prevailing wage or safety guarantees and denied the right to organize, leased Mexicans will be a low cost solution to America's corporate labor needs for many years to come. It'll be like slavery , but without all of the overhead. Best of all, the competition will drive all other wages and benefits down as well, thus increasing our investment income as owners in the Ownership Society.

Visitors are given a taste of the Lease-a-Mexican experience when they are allowed to scrub the room's floor for $1.15 an hour. Those who complain will be immediately deported to Ciudad Juarez.

Friday: We'll tour the Cheney Room and the Security Wing.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.