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Wednesday, April 18, 2007

My Savior is a Very Butch Savior

I'm very upset about the Metropolitan Community Church's ad campaign touting Our Lord and Saviour's affirmation of homosexual relationships. I don't like it all. You start out with a homosexual friendly Jesus and pretty soon you're taking it to the next level and wondering if Our Redeemer might have been a "friend of Delilah's."

Thankfully, there's a company out there working hard to insure that Our Lord maintains his credibility as a heterosexual. They're doing it the way the rest of us do it: by allowing Jesus to be the butchest Jesus he can be.

Fishermen, Inc. makes figurines of Jesus participating in very butch activities like playing football, riding bulls, and engaging in the rawest, most manly, and sacred capitalist endeavor, working for food. These little statues are exactly what Our Lord needs to convince us that he's as heterosexual as the Pope or your average mega-church pastor--I mean who ever heard of a homosexual cowboy or football player?).

Hopefully, Fishermen, Inc. won't stop there. There are a number of ways to increase a man's heterosexual bona fides that don't involve riding bulls, playing football, or working for food. They're the kinds of things warriors against homosexuality like myself do to convince our friends and acquaintances that we're truly committed to living a heterosexual lifestyle...really...we are. You know what I mean, things like pushing for legislation to deny homosexuals the right to marry the person they love or be granted the basic right of being true to themselves when they join the military. Things like that.

I'm picturing a petition-carrying Jesus figurine to cover the former and Our Savior fitting a ball gag on a sailor to take care of the latter. I suppose a shout out to the Illinois Family Institute's Peter LaBarbera would also be useful, maybe a leather-and-nipple-chain-clad Jesus going undercover to document the atrocities at a pride event. I don't think there's anything that gives a man more hetero cred than being a secret agent in the war against sodomy. It sure works for Mr. LaBarbera.

Update: Julie O. offers up "Another Testament of Christ" (an inside joke for Mitt and me):

6 comments:

  1. Anonymous1:43 PM

    What? No wrestling Jesus? What a bunch of fairies.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Plastic Jeebus toys (whether for adults or the as-yet-un-brainwashed youth) are to "christianity" as Franklin Graham is to Billy Graham.

    Antithesis to the point of cruel, sickening parody.

    Like Franklin saying on CNN today that the V-Tech massacre was a "signal" to "terrorists" ('Cause we're AT WAR, HALLELUJAH!) that our campuses are "too wide-open" to "potential terrorists."

    Yeah, thanks, Frankie. That's EXACTLY what the fuck that the mourning families needed to fucking hear, you waste of fucking oxygen parasitic pustule on the ass of humanity.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous12:25 PM

    It makes me sick to my stomach to see the moral decline in America.
    I pray that you will wake up before His wrath comes down on you Blasphemers and Liberals.
    May God have mercy on your souls.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ohhhh, and aren't you the brave little anonymous troll cocksucking coward?!??!!!

    Take your "god" and your fucking "wrath" and all of your other fairy tales that bring nothing but ignorance and hatred and bigotry and DEATH to the world, and shove them sideways up your cock-begging ASS with a running fucking CHAINSAW, you chickenshit motherfucker!

    You have no more "soul" than any other pan-handling slimebag piece-of-shit televangelist or any other REAL blasphemer who uses your Jeebus as an excuse to rob the foolish and FUCK the poor and SUCK THE COCKS OF THE POWER-MAD SOCIOPATHS WHO ARE DESTROYING OUR COUNTRY AS WE SPEAK.

    You suck the dicks of your "betters" because you think that they'll "accept" you if you proclaim THEIR 'values' of greed and bigotry and sexism and racism and hatred --- guess what, kiddo. You are not "one of them." They don't give a fuck about you because you're not a billionaire, and they never fucking will.

    You will die and leave a rotting worthless corpse, because you will be too stupid and backwards and selfish to even donate any organs that (unlike your so-called "brain") actually WORK in your useless husk of a body.

    And you will find that there is NOTHING on the "other side" and that your fairy tales and mythology and horseshit have accomplished NOTHING, not for you or anyone else, because you're just another stupid fucking sheep, another fucking tool that the powerful hedonists use to crush any one, any race, any nation that opposes their hegemony and their greed and their hatred.

    You are nothing but another dead body, except that your brain has left the room way before the rest of your lard ass.

    Fuck off, die, and leave the world a better place by your absence.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'd say that ASC's comment was too profane, except that I loved it!

    ReplyDelete
  6. well said Antichrist!
    Just one quibble - you say cocksucking like it's a bad thing.

    ReplyDelete

We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.