Dear Mr. Barnes,
I was very impressed with the way you handled Sheryl Crow on Sunday. Attacking her as one of the "Hollywood types" who think they know everything about science "and the science of wiping yourself" was an inspired (and very classy) strategy. By God, I bet her nemesis, Karl Rove, doesn't depend on science to tell him how to wipe. In fact, I doubt he wipes at all. He understands the uncertainty surrounding the hygienic value of wiping. Certainly, he's read the non-peer-reviewed anecdotal research published in "Hidden Odors, The Official Magazine of The American Air Freshener Manufacturing Association," which concluded that wiping is extremely unhealthy.
Karl Rove wouldn't be the only patriot who's rejected the pseudo-science of wiping. Sen. James Inhofe hasn't wiped since he adopted a faith-based approach to personal hygiene twenty years ago, and lord knows paper is a complete stranger to Paul Wolfowitz's seat of government--just look at him.
You know, I bet there's a book in this for you. I hope you'll consider writing one. I bet it'd be an even bigger seller than your last one, Rebel in Chief.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
Elsewhere: Fox and Friends' Rod Wheeler uses his incredible observational powers to discover the link between the DC Madame story and the Condit/Levin scandal: rich, powerful, old guys want to fornicate with young attractive women.