Lanny Davis and "The problem with us Democrats"

Lanny "Uncle Zell" Davis
Democratic Strategist

Dear Mr. Davis,

I don't like many Democrats. I can't think of more than three of them who are worth a damn: Joe Lieberman, his loyal and loving manservant, Dangerstein, and Zell Miller. Scratch that. Only one of those guys is actually considered to be a Democrat anywhere except perhaps at the New Republic. So I guess that brings my list down to one. That's unfortunate because before I heard your interview on National Pro-islamunistofascist Radio's Morning Edition yesterday, I'd have listed you too.

Lord knows you deserved it given your frequent attacks against the Great Orange Satan for committing such outrageously anti-Semitic acts as backing Ned Lamont. That is, you deserved it until yesterday.

You started out well enough. You spoke the six little words that the press finds so arousing, "The problem with us Democrats is..." I love that phrase. Those are the words Zell used to seduce me; they're the words that made me fall in love with both Sen. Joe and his manservant (and I use the words "seduce" and "love" in the most James-Dobson-approved heterosexual kind of way, mind you).

But then you had to ruin it all by comparing the congressional investigation into the politicization of the Justice Department to the most holy and righteous of all congressional investigations, the Great Klinton Blow Job Hunt. How, in good conscience could you do that? I mean on one hand we have Congress crucifying Inquisitor General Gonzales for attempting to put an end to political divisiveness by establishing the One True Political Party as the official party of the United States, and on the other, Congress leading a righteous crusade to end the greatest threat our nation has ever faced, The Horrible Clenis of Doom.

You should have followed Chris "Orrin Hatch made me rich by greasing the federal skids to allow me and my brother to buy an old, polluting steel plant with no money down" Cannon's lead and conflated Janet Reno's management of the quadrennial Plum Book Scramble with the replacement of USAs who: failed to creatively indict our political enemies in order to influence an election; spent too much time prosecuting the brightest stars of the Congressional GOPosphere for experimenting with free market legislative techniques, or tried too hard to indict a second-amendment enthusiast for murdering an anti-gun Assistant US Attorney. That wouldn't have been hard now, would it. And you could have even earned bonus points by saying the word "lesbian" while pretending to cough after mentioning Reno's name.

I know you're trying to be a good Democrat, the kind of Democrat who could get a spot on Fox getting beat up by the likes of Sean Hannity or Fred Barnes, but you'll never get there by trivializing great moments in GOP history like the Great Congressional Blow Job Hunt.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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From the Archives: Franken v. Davis (Lanny)