Hot Caramel

Oh, oh, oh, how we wanted it so. Oh we wanted it so bad, so bad. We were dying for a war, and a knight riding in like Gawain, or Galahad. But all was not what it seems, we did not hear the screams, from a sargent who had been there, from General who was on the air, from a Governor who knew it unfair. It was all drown out by the blare, with a little help from Tony Blair.

A frat boy Presidency, with all the buff young men in charge, and charged, and charging. Some of us, still want it so, a firm President, with a firm belief that no means "fuck me harder." From the beginning, he has been firm. And with a surge of firm manly confidence, and a swelling of national pride, which affirms everything he stands for. Stands. Firm. Stands. Firm. That's how frat boys are, firm and headed for daddy's firm when they can firm up their transcript a bit with some gut classes. And as far from the fight as possible. They have better babes to do.

Oh, oh, oh, how we wanted it so. We wanted it so bad, the sands like caramel, the waves of young men rising like a swell, on the ocean. We wanted to be had. Judith Miller was our patron saint, only she was paid in better coin.

We wanted them to rip through our constitution and take us, to tear out first amendment away and run their firm hands all over our country, using his huge mandate on us, paying close attention to the twin towers that are what everyone stared at in the skyline of Manhattan. Lovely lady liberty wanted nothing more, nothing more, oh how she begged for it. We wanted to be wet, wet, wet for him.

Blame who you like, because oh, oh, oh, how we wanted it so. Wanted to be his whore and let him use, use, use. Like a drum or a muse, a siren song we can't refuse, a IED that won't defuse.

That's why we didn't need to discuss or debate whether to go to war. Instead, two big smoking pillar argued it for us, and we were warporned into it. I've seen the writing of the time described as "an endless parade of wargasms." And strangely, for such a hard, firm, President, it was soft old men like Thomas Friedman, David Brooks, Karl Rove and Ari Fleisher that argued for him. Among the warporners, the women were men, the men were women, and the country was ready to be sheep.

So we stumbled into the bed we had made. Everything else left unsaid. And our execution was left unstayed, we sore afraid. We were so afrad, that we forgot who the bull horn was pointed at.

But we've grown sick and tired of Bush. Some of us want, recovery. Recovery is a long way away. Because we have to admit more than that we are sick and tired of Bush, but we have to admit that we were sick, and tired, and confused. And that we are finally sick and tired of being sick and tired.

We are tired of a festival of failures, and arming the enemy. Even Republicans do not want forty more years, or even four. We do not even want any more.

And we are just barely ready to do just that. We finally smell a rat. The whispers for impeachment are now old hat. Now just fancy that.

We were dying for a war that we wanted so bad, so bad, so bad. And like caramel it is hot and sticks to everything, everywhere and everyone. Will it matter if we want out of it so bad, so bad. Only if we cry, and scream out loud, so loud that they can hear us, in their dreams, will they hear our screams.

We have to want out that bad, because the taste of it will be sweeter than sugar, and more intoxicating than porn.

Lanny Davis and "The problem with us Democrats"

Lanny "Uncle Zell" Davis
Democratic Strategist

Dear Mr. Davis,

I don't like many Democrats. I can't think of more than three of them who are worth a damn: Joe Lieberman, his loyal and loving manservant, Dangerstein, and Zell Miller. Scratch that. Only one of those guys is actually considered to be a Democrat anywhere except perhaps at the New Republic. So I guess that brings my list down to one. That's unfortunate because before I heard your interview on National Pro-islamunistofascist Radio's Morning Edition yesterday, I'd have listed you too.

Lord knows you deserved it given your frequent attacks against the Great Orange Satan for committing such outrageously anti-Semitic acts as backing Ned Lamont. That is, you deserved it until yesterday.

You started out well enough. You spoke the six little words that the press finds so arousing, "The problem with us Democrats is..." I love that phrase. Those are the words Zell used to seduce me; they're the words that made me fall in love with both Sen. Joe and his manservant (and I use the words "seduce" and "love" in the most James-Dobson-approved heterosexual kind of way, mind you).

But then you had to ruin it all by comparing the congressional investigation into the politicization of the Justice Department to the most holy and righteous of all congressional investigations, the Great Klinton Blow Job Hunt. How, in good conscience could you do that? I mean on one hand we have Congress crucifying Inquisitor General Gonzales for attempting to put an end to political divisiveness by establishing the One True Political Party as the official party of the United States, and on the other, Congress leading a righteous crusade to end the greatest threat our nation has ever faced, The Horrible Clenis of Doom.

You should have followed Chris "Orrin Hatch made me rich by greasing the federal skids to allow me and my brother to buy an old, polluting steel plant with no money down" Cannon's lead and conflated Janet Reno's management of the quadrennial Plum Book Scramble with the replacement of USAs who: failed to creatively indict our political enemies in order to influence an election; spent too much time prosecuting the brightest stars of the Congressional GOPosphere for experimenting with free market legislative techniques, or tried too hard to indict a second-amendment enthusiast for murdering an anti-gun Assistant US Attorney. That wouldn't have been hard now, would it. And you could have even earned bonus points by saying the word "lesbian" while pretending to cough after mentioning Reno's name.

I know you're trying to be a good Democrat, the kind of Democrat who could get a spot on Fox getting beat up by the likes of Sean Hannity or Fred Barnes, but you'll never get there by trivializing great moments in GOP history like the Great Congressional Blow Job Hunt.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Thanks to everyone who donated to my fundraiser. Although I didn't reach my goal, your donations helped a lot. I really appreciate it. If you'd still like to donate, you can find the paypal and Amazon links in the sidebar.Thanks again.

From the Archives: Franken v. Davis (Lanny)

Wales' brother-in-law speaks out about the McKay firing

Update from Dr. Jerry:

Monday, I posted re: the unsolved Tom Wales case, and did so in anger. In allowing my anger and resurgent grief sway, I stupidly misstated details that upon reflection deserved more perfect accuracy. No matter the threats to it, or from whence they arise, justice and truth will win out; they must, eventually. I believe that, as Tom did and worked toward. The FBI, DOJ, and law enforcement are filled with public servants as dedicated to justice as Tom. I deeply regret putting my two cents in on a case already so difficult and emotional for so many of them.

To be more specific: the FBI is NOT on record as saying they have but one suspect; though it’s true they have one who is particularly a focus, and has been the subject of public appeals. Also, Mr. Comey only responded to Rep. Watt repeating earlier testimony, as noted in the link. I knew that, and simply erred.

My post showed insufficient respect to Mr. Comey, and to the FBI, and the rank and file at the DOJ, respect I continue to have. My deepest and heartfelt apology for any trouble or confusion I have caused.

A reader's inner Frenchman discusses how the Department of Justice scandal affected his family's quest for justice:

Anonymity is a fine thing. Many an evening I have rafted down the Internets Tubes, safe and secure in my anonymity: unafraid to speak up and unafraid of consequences. Toes have been stomped. Feathers ruffled (my tactfulness is not legendary). Well, mea culpa.

Today I risk nakedness, my fig leaf Googleable.

In testimony Thursday, James Comey, former #2 at the Department of Justice under Ashcroft, testified to the House Judiciary Committee (actually brought up first by Rep. Mel Watt (D-NC), while Watt was questioning him) that John McKay, one of the fired USA’s, got in hot water in 2005 for agitating with the bigwigs in DC for more resources in hunting the assassin of Tom Wales, an assistant DA in Seattle killed on October 11, 2001.

Tom was shot a half-dozen times in the neck and head with hollow-point bullets (aka "cop killers”") as he sat at his home computer, answering an email. Sitting as we do, now. He prosecuted white-collar crime in Washington State, and was also a visible and dedicated gun-control advocate. I watched him debate Wayne LaPierre once, on Good Morning America, and thought Tom ate Wayne’s lunch. He headed Washington Cease Fire until murdered with a handgun.

His slaying has never been solved.

The FBI has a team, permanently investigating...they’re on record as saying they know the killer. They released a letter to the press, purportedly from the suspect, and asked the public’s help in identifying him. The FBI has, they say, ruined the suspect’s life, and hassled many a gun owner.

Now I learn through these Internets Tubes that John McKay may have been fired for paying too much attention to the assassination of his fellow federal prosecutor, instead of filing bogus voter-fraud suits.

It appears the DOJ (who sent no reps to Tom’s memorial service, btw, even though he was the first active Federal DA to be murdered, and this just one month after 9/11) was directed to minimize the hunt for Tom’s killer because it would harm the Republican Party’s NRA base, and inflame gun-control advocates.

I don’t speak for the Wales family. Several of them still lose sleep when the case re-makes the news, fearful for the safety of Tom’s children, now grown. And I see their point, though the children are as brave as he.

But if the DOJ is now in the business of ignoring the murders of dedicated prosecutors who spent a career contributing to the community and standing up for the powerless to better win the next election, then it’s time to clean house. If I had been murdered, instead, and my case swept under the rug, Tom would have charged in like an angry wolf.

I married his sister, you see.

And so I ask you, gentle reader, to call or write your Congresspersons, especially if they sit on the Judiciary Committees; demand they ask each DOJ employee, parading through in this shameful affair, what they know or knew of reasons for McKay’s firing.

If this White House is willing to murder Justice for power, we should replace them. Now.

The Rev. Jerry Gloryhole

Goofus and Gallant: A DOJ Human Resources Primer

Monica Goodling brought human resource management best practices to the Department of Justice. Her collaboration with Highlights to create a Goofus and Gallant human resource primer is about as cutting edge as it gets. It's the kind of work one expects from a Regents University Law School grad.

The Inquisitor General Has A Plan

I don't know. It just might work. I sure hope so.



Come to think about it, I bet all this snitching is undermining our troops' morale. That's tantamount to treason.

Bloching Justice

Lambert has great news about our old friend Scott Bloch at the Justice Department's Office of Special Counsel. Our Leader tapped him to clear Karl Rove of the accusations against him.

Here's what I wrote about Mr. Bloch back in March 2005:

Purging Justice

We eat freedom fries at every meal. It's our way of contributing to the war effort. We see it as a symbolic, sacrificial gesture that'll help us defeat the Godless Muslims and their European handmaids. Occasionally, a dinner guest will spoil our little celebration of American supremacy by calling our sacramental potatoes, "french fries." When that happens, I pass out the ipecac and the purging begins. Our bodies are temples to God. We must not pollute them with french foods no matter how tasty they might be.

One of Our Leader's most faithful servants, Scott Bloch, is conducting a similar kind of purge at the Department of Justice's Office of Special Counsel. His office is tasked with investigating discrimination complaints made by federal employees. He's done a great job. Last year, he prevented many new cases from being filed by unilaterally deciding that persecuting homosexuals in federal workplaces would no longer violate federal law. Recently, he cleared more than 600 cases by simply moving files from the filing cabinet to the recycle bin It's that kind of innovative thinking we've been demanding of our leaders in Washington.

Some of the OSC staff were resistant to Mr. Bloch's bold new strategies and they voiced concerns about them. They seemed to lack faith in the rightness of Bloch's actions. Fortunately, Bloch understands the danger posed by internal policy discussions and has purged these apostates. For that, the General salutes him.

Get the rookie card before it's too late

My Naughty Chekist

Miss jaamtoo4
Thurston County Sheriff's Office
Olympia, WA

Dear Miss jaamtoo4,

I know it's been a while since we last chatted. I didn't know how to get a hold of you after I was banned from the Jackboots & Stiletto Heels Chatroom over the "virtual cantaloupe" incident. Who knew it was a French fruit?

But even after all this time, I haven't forgotten the good times we had playing cyber games like The Stormtrooper and The Hippie Girl and The Naughty Chekist. Thinking back on it, I'd have to say, it was the happiest 173 hours, 43 minutes, and 13 seconds of my life. I hope you feel the same

So you're probably wondering how I found you. Well the other day, I was on one of my reconnaissance missions where I scout out possible gathering places for America's internal enemies. I'd chosen to surveil the San Francisco Street Bakery in Olympia on the basis of its name (very French, very Pelosi), and boy did I hit pay dirt. It was an enemy recruitment station, enticing good, normal, god-fearing Americans with the smell of freshly baked bread and then subverting them with foreign temptations like cream cheese danishes, strawberry croissants, ruggala, sandwiches made with vegetables and goat cheese, lattes, and, worst of all, baba ganoush and hummus.

There I was in the heart of enemy territory, and suddenly, I felt very conspicuous in my camouflage (why don't they make camo with doughnut or maple bar patterns) and buzz-mullet haircut. Seeing a stack of newspapers, I quickly picked one up, hoping to fool everyone into thinking I was just like them, a consumer of the printed news.

I almost dropped it in disgust when I saw it was a leftist rag called Works in Progress, but then I saw your name. It was part of an email address, jaamtoo4@gmail.com. It was in an article about the mistrial in the Oly 22 case. Apparently, the protesters' trial was ended when it was learned that an undercover secret agent for the Thurston County Sheriff's Department, jaamtoo4@gmail.com, had penetrated an email list the defendants used to discuss legal strategies with their lawyers.

"That must be my beloved jaamtoo4," I thought, "the name is just too unique for it to be a coincidence." No wonder your knowledge of the Terrible Strap-On Nightstick of Submission seemed so authentic. You're a domestic secret agent in real life, a secret agent who spies on our internal enemies and their lawyers in the defense of our constitution.

And I learned that your name is Detective Mike Hirte, and that you look like a man--you're at least a three on the manly scale of absolute gender. And for a moment, I felt a little weird about being so turned on by you, but then I decided it must be something else about you that's awakened my little soldier from his long, long slumber. Maybe it's the handcuffs or perhaps the way your magnificent, luscious, hairy, round breasts strain against the fabric of your dress shirt. I don't know.

But that's not important, Miss Mike. I'm just glad I found you, and now that I know you're a real secret agent, I'll let you be the chekist the next time we play cyber games.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

If Dali had been an unimaginative apparatchik with a bad, bad Fox News jones

Dan Riehl
Riehl World View

Dear Mr. Riehl,

I think you might have what it takes to serve in Our Leader's administration, even perhaps as Inquisitor General* or at least his chief of staff. You have that special instinct for character assassination that is so in demand by this White House. It's a skill Mr. Rove's personal Cheka used very effectively against enemies of the state like former Treasury Sec. Paul O'Neill, Joe and Valerie Plame Wilson, Scott Ritter, the fired US attorneys, FBI whistleblowers Coleen Rowley and Sibel Edmonds and many others.

Today's post on the recruiter is a perfect example of this. Here you have a recruiter who, while acting in her official capacity, tells a young black homosexual to:

GO BACK TO AFRICA AND DO YOUR GAY VOODOO LIMBO TANGO AND WANGO DANCE AND JUMP AROUND AND PRANCE AND RUN ALL OVER THE PLACE HALF NAKED THERE.

Yet you were able to turn it back on her accuser, painting him as some kind of villain who used his homomojo to bewitch her into writing her hate-filled screeds. It was beautiful. It was like watching Salvador Dali paint if Dali had been an unimaginative apparatchik with a bad, bad Fox News jones.

Indeed, your response reminded me of my favorite real estate attorney, Inquisitor General Gonzales's, reaction to a sexual abuse scandal at the Texas Youth Commission when he served Our Leader during his gubernatorial reign. Rather than going after the Our Future Leader's Youth Commission cronies or the guards who admitted to waking boys up late at night for all-night sex parties, Gonzales allowed them to go unpunished because he was convinced that the wicked, lust-driven children were "getting off" on blowing their captors.

Now that, my friend, is a world class example of how to destroy an uppity victim. I'm convinced that you have the same level of raw talent. With a little practice, you could be as good as Gonzales.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

*it might be a good idea to familiarize yourself with the Fifth Amendment if you're offered the AG job.

A helmet tip to Pam for once again providing more posting goodness than any man should be allowed to consume in a single sitting.

Elsewhere: Our favorite slave-owning-south-respecting wankee attacks a man who isn't, and doesn't aspire to be, a professional soldier for not acting like a professional soldier.

I'll trade you two Negropontes for a Gonzales

Who's to blame for the 18 day gap

The French are making much of the 18 day gap in Justice Department emails discussing the US attorney firings. They say it’s highly suspicious that no one at Justice mentioned the firings between the date when the firings were originally scheduled to be conducted, Nov 15, and a date just 3 days before the firings actually occurred.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that the Demislamunistofascists would undermine our national security by questioning the veracity of Our Leader and Inquisitor General Gonzales, the Iron Fist of the Conservative Christianist Cultural Revolution. It’s what they do. But I must admit that I’m very taken aback by the fact that they would so openly and apologetically support Al Qaeda.

And they are helping Al Qaeda. We know that, because Khalid Sheikh Mohammed confessed to erasing those 18 days worth of emails. He hoped that it would weaken Our Leader, so that his allies in Congress would succeed in their plan to put "In Mohammed We Trust" on our money.

I’m sure there will be those who won’t believe this explanation. They’ll point to Mohammed’s detention at Gitmo and say it would be impossible for him to hack into Justice’s network. Unfortunately, that‘s just not true. Using a makeshift computer system composed of the silver platters, tea services, caviar spoons, champagne bottles and Direct TV dishes provided to each Gitmo detainee, he was able to defeat Justices network security with the help of no more than five outside number 3 Al Qaeda officials.

Bring him the head of Jamil Hussein (revisited)

Bob Owens
The Confederate Wankee

Dear Mr. Owens,

Huzzah, brother, huzzah! Very soon, you will likely be the first member of the 101st Fighting Keyboarders who can proudly claim responsibility for the torture and execution of a real live Iraqi. All you need to do is press the publish button on the post you're writing to out Jamil Hussein's true identity. He's as good as dead the moment you identify him as a source for an American wire service.

The French-loving scum of the francosphere will no longer dare call you a cowardly, sadistic lunatic with a God complex and a sonderkommando's morality. Instead, they'll cower before your God-like authority to act as a one-man judge, jury, torturer, and executioner, fearing to commit any act that might bring down your murderous wrath.

And you will enjoy their fear. You will savor it, just as you'll savor every second between the time you pull the publishing trigger and Hussein's headless, mutilated body is discovered on an anonymous street corner in Baghdad.

Because that's the kind of man you are.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere: More about Hussein.

A helmet tip to Sadly, No!

Update: The Confederate Wankee responds in my comments after he courageously shuts down his own.

Leahy vs. the Inquisitor General

Sen. Patrick Leahy questions Our Leader's special Article II superpowers in this exchange with Inquisitor General Gonzales about the rendition to Syria and subsequent torture of a Canadian citizen.

I was a Negro for the FBI

Alberto Gonzales
Inquisitor General of the United States

Dear General Gonzales,

You're doing a heck of a job, Alberto. It ain't an easy thing to keep the nation's fear level up at the levels required to convince voters to re-elect free-market congressman like Jerry Lewis, Denny Hastert, and Bob Ney. Rants about Muslim devils in the media and on the internet just don't scare people as much as they use to.

But you've changed that with the arrest of the Miami Seven. You've picked a target that scares the living daylights out of the average resident of the suburbs and the heartland. You've added young, black, impoverished, urban males to the terrorist profile. Nobody scares suburbia more than an angry black man.

It was a brilliant move. Catching them is easy. Certainly, there is no shortage of anger in the inner-cities against the system, a system in which young black men are denied the opportunities shared by the rest of society. The hopelessness that pervades ghettos like Liberty City makes it easy for an agent of the State Security Apparatus to find people who are eager to discuss their dreams of committing violence against what they see as their oppressors. The hard part is finding the resources needed to sweep them all up. There are just too many of them.

Perhaps you should get together with Michelle Malkin and create a plan to beef up security around our urban ghettos. You know, make them look more like old school ghettos like the one our ideological predecessors built in Warsaw about 65 years ago. All of the work she's done advocating concentration camps would be very helpful, don't you think?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere: Taylor Marsh provides more evidence that terrorists dig ninja outfits. It's a theory I've written about before:

State Security Apparatus nabs ninja-clad possible terrorist

American tourists report ninja-costumed terrorist mimes to Scotland Yard

Coast Guard warns public to look out for ninja-clad beach-going terrorists.

Sources and Methods

My greatest fear about the domestic spying hearings has been realized. One of our most important intelligence methods was compromised. It happened during this exchange:

BIDEN: Thank you very much. General, how has this revelation damaged the program?

I'm almost confused by it but, I mean, it seems to presuppose that these very sophisticated Al Qaida folks didn't think we were intercepting their phone calls.

GONZALES: Well, Senator, I would first refer to the experts in the Intel Committee who are making that statement, first of all. I'm just the lawyer. And so, when the director of the CIA says this should really damage our intel capabilities, I would defer to that statement. I think, based on my experience, it is true - you would assume that the enemy is presuming that we are engaged in some kind of surveillance.

But if they're not reminded about it all the time in the newspapers and in stories, they sometimes forget.

Let's take a look at some of the things we've lost because of that little slip:

• Nearly every day since Sept. 11, 2001, Our Leader has reminded Osama bin Laden that he's already attacked the United States. We depended on that reminder. It, and a couple of other measures like locking up brown people and putting dissenters on no-fly lists, allowed us defend the homeland on the cheap. Now that Osama's on to our game, we'll have to actually begin securing our ports and chemical factories until enough time has passed for him to forget the Inquisitor General's testimony.

• Our whole strategy for winning the Iraq Phase of the Eternal War to Resubjugate Brown People has been blown. It depended on the press airing only good news about Iraq--things like how we're building schools and flying the children we shoot to Germany for the best medical care available anywhere. Our thinking was that eventually, after all the good news crowded out the bad, the insurgents would forget that we were at war with them. Now, we'll have to start the process all over again.

• What's Dick going to do? He received a great deal of joy from retorturing brown people who forgot that they had already confessed to every crime imaginable. Now, he'll need to round up more people to torture, and we just don't have much more space available to house them.

• And let's not forget the domestic impact. Will Amy Sullivan realize that she's been through all this before and decide that Iran might not be the gravest threat we face as a nation?

August pops the kitty question to the Inquisitor General

I'd like to hear the Inquisitor General's answer to August's question. Is he as supportive of kitten flattening as he is of inducing pain approaching, but not equivalent to that experienced during organ failure? My guess is yes, because smashing kitties comforts us when we're afraid that the brown people will get us.

Elsewhere: Has the Frenchman of the Freeways become the Parkway Patriot?

Twelve hours at the White House

The French are all excited about the twelve hours that occurred between the time Inquisitor General Gonzales told Bush Chief of Staff Andy Card about the investigation into Valarie Plame's betrayal and his warning to the White House staff to secure all of the associated documents. They're worried that the staff may have used that time to destroy important evidence. I'm sure that didn't happen. I even have a timeline to prove it.

8:00 pm - Pastor General Ashcroft calls Gonzales, informing him of the investigation.

Our Leader is preparing for his nightly meeting with the Lord by smearing his body with bacon grease and downing a quart of NyQuil.

Karl Rove is holding his hand over a candle to prove that he's tougher than G. Gordon Liddy.

Scooter Libby is waxing Deputy Leader Cheney's back.

8:01 pm - The Special Political Electronic Surveillance team patches Karl Rove into the audio portion of the call. He immediately begins drafting a plan to safeguard important evidence.

8:10 pm - Gonzales informs White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card.

8:15 pm - Card notifies the White House and Vice Presidential staffs via Blackberry, asking them to preserve the evidence.

8:30 pm - Our Leader places his face into the Mighty Tony Llama Boot of the Lord and asks God when he's going to supply him with flower-throwing, liberated Iraqis. God chuckles and punches him in the arm.

Scooter calls his friend, the scoutmaster, and tells him that he can use his office for that urban survival outing they planned but only if they do it that night.

Rove calls Jeff Gannon, White House journalist, and asks him to meet him at the White House.

10:00 pm - Our Leader throws up into the Mighty Tony Llama Boot of the Lord and passes out.

Rove has spread out all the important evidence onto the floor of his office. He asks Gannon what he thinks is the best way to protect it. Gannon suggests vasoline. He and Rove strip off their clothes and begin protecting the documents by smearing their bodies with vasoline and then rolling on the evidence.

Scooter's scoutmaster friend shows up at Libby's office with the only two scouts he could locate at such short notice. Scooter anticipated that he'd be working with an understaffed troop, so he brought Ari Fleischer and John Bolton along. They're dressed in ill-fitting Webelos uniforms.

10:01 pm - Rove is heard to scream, "get along little doggie."

10:02 pm - spent and exhausted and covered with documents, Rove and Gannon collapse onto the floor and share a smoke.

10:30 pm - Scooter teaches the scouts how to make a campfire out of things found in filing cabinets. Bolton berates a fellow scout who's having trouble with his fire until the young man cries.

Deputy Leader Cheney is checking Haliburton's latest profit statements.

11:00 pm - Lynne Cheney brings the Deputy Leader two-pints of O-positive and helps him into his sleeping shroud.

Bolton heads off to a bar still wearing his Webelos uniform, hoping it'll give him and excuse to knife someone.

Scooter shows the remaining campers the best way to turn an office into a swimming pool.

Gannon sets off for his next White House journalist appointment, a meeting with Scott McClellen about the best way to preserve important Plame-related documents.

Rove begins workups on all of the possible candidates for special prosecutor.

4:00 am - Scooter shows the campers how to make office mulch.

Gannon finishes his fourth document preservation meeting of the evening. Ken Melhman rewards him with a fifty-dollar tip.

Laura helps Our Leader escape from the millions of "spiders" crawling out of the Mighty Tony Llama Boot of the Lord. She gives him a shot of NyQuil and puts him to bed.

5:00 am - Rove returns home. He notices that the newspaper has been thrown into the bushes again and decides to do a workup on the paperboy.

6:00 am - Lynne Cheney restarts her husband's heart and helps him into the shower.

Scooter gives the scouts compasses and tells them to find their way home.

8:00 am - Gonzales emails the White House and Vice Presidential staffs, telling them to preserve any evidence they might possess.

The Inquisitor General stumbles, recovers

I'm torn as to how to react to the news that the Inquisitor General disrobed the Spirit of Justice. On the one hand, he's endangering our mortal souls by exposing us to a naked breast, but on the other, he's paying tribute to the great work we're doing at Gitmo, Bagram, and Abu Gharib.