Give me that old time segregation

Tom Tancredo
The Great White Hope

Dear Rep. Tancredo,

In previous presidential primary seasons, your hatred of brown people would make you the top contender for the GOP Nomination. Unfortunately for you, this isn't a typical primary season.

It's going to be hard for you to out-white Mitt Romney. That guy has to be one of the top ten whitest men in America. His campaign must spend a fortune on mayonnaise.

And Giuliani's doing much better with the base than a Catholic with ancestral ties to the swarthy part of Europe should. He's doing a great job of recruiting the most heritage-minded staffers to run his campaigns in Mudcat's America.

That's really the heart of your problem. Our base reveres tradition, and hating brown people just isn't as cherished a tradition in the Heartland as hating black people. Giuliani understands this, so he's working the opinion leaders in the heritage defense organizations and the white Citizens Councils much harder than you are.

It's not too late to turn things around. All you need to do is exploit a couple of recent events to beef up your black-people-hating bona fides. First, there's yesterday's Supreme Court ruling that integration is a form of racism which effectively overturns Brown v. The Board. It provides you with an excellent opportunity to pander to our base by bemoaning the sad sorry plight of the white Christian male.

The second event is the recent racial strife that occured in Jena, Louisiana when outside agitators incited a few black kids to attempt to integrate their high schools "Whites Only" shade tree. The school's George Allen Heritage Appreciation Club responded in the traditional manner--they hung nooses festooned in the schools colors from the tree. Of course, the schools politically correct Principal responded by suspending the heritage defenders for a couple of days.

Anyway, I think you should go down to Jena and denounce the black students for committing racist acts of integration. Heck, why stop there? You should take an axe handle down there and re-establish the cherished traditional value of segregation in the Heartland. The base will love you for it.

I'd be glad to help you out with the details, although I think it's fairly straightfoward. All you need to do is chase the black kids away from the whites only tree. I don't believe you'll need to find them a separate but equal tree. Surely, Lieberman's boys, Roberts and Alito, would tell you they overturned Plessy too. They'd undoubtedly argue that it's racist to take resources that could benefit white kids and use them to build equal facilities for black students.

Anyway, I hope this has been helpful to you. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

Heterosexually yours.

Gen. JC Christian, patriot