God bless the little pansicles

Sen. Sam Brownback
Candidate for President

Dear Sen. Brownback,

I know you are very busy with your campaign and all, but I have an idea I'd like to share with you. Perhaps you could make it the second plank of your compulsory childbirth platform.

As one of the Senate's most vocal supporters of coerced maternity, I'm sure you're acquainted with the "chimera" (human-animal hybrid) bill the British Parliament is considering. The legislation would allow scientists to conduct research on chimera embryos as long as the researchers promise to murder them before the little manimals can celebrate the two-week anniversary of their conception.

It's a horrible bill in its present form, but I think that, with a few simple amendments, it could become a very important piece of pro-family legislation. Specifically, I'm referring to an amendment offered by the Catholic bishops of England and Wales which would allow the genetic mothers of these chimera as raise them as their own children. Although there might be some self-interest involvled here--I understand a goatboy might be quite fetching in an altarboy's cassock--it's definitely something we should consider pursuing in this country.

Think about it. There are many Americans involved in interspecies relationships, especially in the Heartland, who will never know the joy of raising a family with one they love. Take Neal Horsley for instance. Here's a man who has given his all in the fight to make compelled childbirth the law of the land, yet he will never experience the joy of teaching his own little mule-boy to pull his first wagon. Think about how frustrating that must be for him. He has nothing to show for all those years he's relentlessly loped his mule.

Then there are Rep. Sally Kern's constituents in Oklahoma. You won't find as fine a bunch of good heterosexual human/amphibian couples anywhere, yet they are denied an opportunity to pass their heterosexual values onto a generation of tadchildren.

That's why I hope you will endorse my plan to create a network of adoption centers for frozen manimal-American embryos--just like the ones they have for our little blastocyst-American snowflake babies. We could call our frozen manimal-American embryos, "pansicles" after the mythical flute-playing goatboy. Not only is the name fun and catchy, it also provides us with an opportunity to harness the power of a national fraternity, Alpha Gamma Rho, in our fundraising efforts (but we'll have to carefully monitor their activities--their commitment to heterosexuality is questionable).

I haven't shared my idea with any of the other candidates yet. Since it's already been basically endorsed by the Catholic hierarchy, I thought it would be great to get the only Catholic conservative in the race to endorse it.

Let me know what you think about it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot