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Sunday, June 24, 2007

Sunday Morning with a Fundamentalist Christian

I bet you weren’t expecting to see a contribution to this blog from me on this, the Lord’s Day. Well, I’m here and you’ll just have to deal with it. Wipe the drool and God knows whatever other bodily fluids you picked up during the night from your face, grab a cup of coffee, and bunker down for a long overdue message from me to you.

It isn’t as easy to be a Christian (Republican-Baptist) as you would think. For example, here it is 5:00 in the morning and while I’ve been up for over an hour, putting the finishing touches on a Sunday school lesson I’ve been asked to lead, most of you have just crawled into bed after a night of heavy drinking, smoking, gyrating to some Godless pagan band, and looking for a warm body to fornicate with - providing you don’t pass out first from all the liquor. That is just the heterosexuals. We all know full well that the homosexuals are still out on the town, their naked, sweaty bodies pumped full of illegal substances and booze, they are working their way from another back room or blackened alleyway to another looking for multiple partners to have illicit sex with. This before they head home for hours and hours more of carnal pleasure. Finally, long after all of us decent people have returned home from church, they will get up; promptly kick whatever nameless stranger (or strangers) they brought home with them out of their beds and send them home with a promise to “call them later”. Eventually after a shower, a snort of this or that, a little “bronzer” to hide tell-tell signs from the night before, off to brunch they’ll go at someplace trendy with their friends to boast about their respective debaucheries from the night before.

Oh yes, I know all about you. I have cornered more than one little slut while protesting outside of a Planned Parenthood and heard her sob story, and I have read "Not Afraid To Change" by cured homosexual, John Paulk, so I know exactly what you God-haters and liberals are up to on a Saturday night. This makes me and every other Conservative Christian sick just thinking about it, but we do - all the time. Why do we bother? Because we have been called-upon by our respective Pastors (and God of course) around the globe to call out your sins and make you feel ashamed for choosing to act the way you do.

Now, back to my morning. As I was saying, while you were out sinning without abandon (or sleeping it off), I was busy doing the Lord’s work. My Sunday school lesson I prepared for the ladies is called; “Acceptance and Tolerance of Sin: How Your Complacency has Unraveled the Moral Fiber of This Country”. You might think I am looking forward to teaching this lesson, but honestly I’m not. Don’t get me wrong, like all true Christians (Republican-Baptists) I take great pleasure in pointing out the sins of others and I am very, very good at it. No, what bothers me is the fact that I will trapped in a room with a bunch of women, half of whom are not nearly as good of a Christian or as well-off as I, who will sit there the entire time critiquing my hair, outfit, and jewelry simply because they are jealous.

Truthfully, a good third of my Sisters in Christ that I will be leading this morning are obese. Not morbidly so, but nonetheless they could stand to lose 15 or so pounds in order for their clothes to fit properly. And at least ten of them color their hair (themselves) with some cheap grocery store brand and claim to be “natural”. Well, I can see their roots from the front of the classroom so I know better. Another few in the class don’t have the social skills much less the common sense to have a clue what I will be talking about. They will sit there with a blank, mindless expression pretending to understand to me, even calling out an "Amen" now and then so they will fit in, but really they are just lost. But you can rest assured I will never dumb-down my lesson to accommodate them. They can just go home and ask their husbands to explain my message to them if they really want to know. Oh, and let us not forget the gossipers, the ones in my class who I know full well talk behind the others backs about how much money so-and-so has or who-has-had-what done to their face, when it really isn’t any of their business. There is nothing worse than a gossiping woman.

Honestly, I’d say that out of the 40 or so in my Sunday school class there are only five or six of us who really deserve to be there. The rest should just stay home and tend to their unordinary little lives. Nevertheless, we accommodate them because as the better Christians we know it is God’s will, our Cross-to bear if you will, and the Christian thing to do.

Anyway, after teaching my Sunday school lesson I will head over to the church sanctuary for a powerful sermon on the crucial things that have a negative impact on my world: Abortion, Sodomites, Liberals, Democrats, Terrorists, Harlots, Catholics, and anyone else who isn’t a Conservative Protestant Christian. Then, later that afternoon, after a delicious Sunday meal, the few of us women from my Sunday school class, the ones who are actually good Christians, will call each other up on the phone to discuss the sermon; pray for those awful women from our Sunday school class; and most importantly, create fresh, innovative new ways to spread God’s word to the sinners. Naturally, seeing that I always take better notes from the sermons in the margin of my Bible (KJV 1611) and seeing that in my church I am the one most qualified to spot a sinner and rebuke them, most of the burden falls on me.

Who says being a Christian (Republican-Baptist) is easy? It’s hard work but someone has to do it. I verily step forward and accept the challenge for Him.

Mrs. T.D. Gaines-Crockett is a proud member of Baptists For Brownback 2008© and a trustworthy source on all Biblical, Political, and Moral issues.

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