Hard Blue Steel

Jerry Thibodeau
Chair, Manchester Republican Committee

Dear Chairman Thibodeau (that ain't a French name is it?):

I can't tell you how tired I am of my local county GOP committee's fundraising events. Every year, it's the same thing, a caviar feed. I think it's time for a change.

I really like the "Machine Gun Shoot" fundraiser you're doing in August. I'd like to do the same thing here, so I'll hope you'll indulge me by answering a question.

How will provide for privacy? You know how hard it is to get into a good shooting mood when you're on a normal firing live. A man needs a little alone time with his assault rifle.

You know what I mean. You start out by tenderly caressing its long hard barrel with a soft piece of oil cloth while whispering sweet words about its length and impressive caliber. Then, holding your breath, you slowly ease the gently-curved magazine into the rifle's receiver until you hear that special click which tells you it's seated snugly and deeply. I always let out a little involuntary moan of pleasure when I hear that click, It's sound and feel seem to touch something very primal deep within me.

Eagerly, you move on, gently pulling the receiver's bolt back to load your cartridge into the tight little chamber. You love these cartridges. You hand-loaded them yourself, hot loading them with extra powder and forsaking the penetrating power of standard 5.56mm ball round for the pounding force of a modified wadcutter.

Locked and loaded, you lie down with your rifle, pressing your cheek firmly against its smooth butt. Then, with every nerve in your body screaming in anticipation, you finger the trigger, gently squeezing it until that glorious moment when the primer explodes and fires the powder, driving the heavy wadcutter load powerfully along the hard rifled barrel until it explodes out of the muzzle in a cloud of indescribably delicious ecstasy.

Then, spent and exhausted, you roll over and light up a smoke.

I'd pay $50 bucks for that and I'd bet someone like David Vitter would pay a lot more. It's a great fundraiser, but like I said, it's success depends on providing the proper level of privacy. How are you doing that?

Heterosexually yours.

Gen. JC Christian, patriot