I welcome our new heterosexual robotic toilet overlords

Peter J. LaBarbera
Americans for Truth

Dear Mr. LaBarbera,

I know you are very busy searching for the perfect nipple chain to wear the next time you infiltrate a leather event, but I think the mayor of Fort Lauderdale has come up with a way to defeat the homosexuals once and for all. Godly men like you and me can help him by asking our state legislatures to pass the following resolution.

Whereas homosexuality is an abomination before God;

whereas Senator Tom Coburn has identified toilets as being critical habitat for homosexuals;

whereas it is common knowledge that homosexuals fear robots;

whereas Jim Naugle, the mayor of Fort Lauderdale, is using this knowledge to exclude homosexuals from the city's beaches by installing robot toilets;

whereas the rest of our heterosexual nation would benefit if a similar approach were applied universally;

whereas Article I Section 8 of the United States Constitution empowers Congress to coin money and pay debts;

whereas official memos written by John Yoo, Alberto Gonzales, and Fred Fielding transfer all of the legislative powers found in Article I Section 8 to the President of the United States;

whereas the Vice President of the United State, using the blood of his hunting companions as ink, affixed his initials and a smiley face upon each of these official memos;

we, the citizens of the various states, beseech the President to order the demolition of all analog toilets, both public and private, and thereby destroy the homosexuals' critical habitat;

furthermore, we, the citizens of the various states, respectably ask the President to command the Secretary of the Treasury to fund the construction of replacement pay toilets by a contractor of the Vice President's choosing at a cost that shall not exceed 1.8 million dollars per unit.

Elsewhere: Jim Naugle's supporters are posting stirring tributes to the mayor on Youtube. Please join me in thanking them by posting a comment.