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Wednesday, July 18, 2007

My Inner Patriot Steps Out ...

Well, I’ll be damned. Literally, as it turns out; but that’s not what I mean. I mean, I’m a little humbled by the General’s request that I do a guest-posting shot tonight. Actually, it musta been the General’s Inner Frenchman who asked, ’cuz my patriot street cred has taken a mighty hit lately ... what with all the wholesale destruction of the Constitution and the President’s wars of choice and so on.

But that’s not why you called.

You came here for patriotism, and goddammit, that’s what yer gonna get. These days are great for patriots like us -- manly men and not-men who refuse ... er, elect not to enlist in the Armed Forces lest we should get our hair mussed ... I mean, ease up on the keyboard wars here on the home front and allow the Defeat-o-crats to demand accountability from the White House and everything like that.

Anyway, positive signs are every where. Why just today we learned from the declassified portions of the latest National Intelligence Estimate (no oxymoron intended) that:

Al-Qa’ida is and will remain the most serious terrorist threat to the Homeland, as its central leadership continues to plan high-impact plots, while pushing others in extremist Sunni communities to mimic its efforts and to supplement its capabilities. We assess the group has protected or regenerated key elements of its Homeland attack capability, including: a safehaven in the Pakistan Federally Administered Tribal Areas (FATA), operational lieutenants, and its top leadership.

What could possibly be better for us patriots? After all, Our Glorious Leader has kept th’ Islamofascists at bay for going on six years now ... or so he says. So, if we don’t have another major terrorist strike right here in These United States, the rabble’ll start to think treasonous thoughts like, um, “any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both.”

And just in case you think that Surge! isn’t goin’ so well, what with 96 Iraqis killed and, oh, about 205 wounded in several attacks yesterday alone ... don’t worry; Our Glorious Leader puts it all in perspective:

Last January, when the President announced the escalation by adding at least 30,000 US troops to the occupation force, he justified it by declaring that within six months it would show results, stabilizing the Iraqi capital and creating space for political reconciliation, security and economic progress. But things are demonstrably worse: Violence is up, and the Iraqi government is falling apart.

At his news conference Thursday [July 12], Bush simply ignored his promise that the surge would take six months to work. Instead, he argued that the surge is just beginning, now that the troops are finally in place. “It takes a while to move our troops, as the experts know,” said Bush. “You just can't load them all in one airplane or one big ship and get them into theater. We had to stage the arrival of our troops. And after they arrived in Iraq, it took a while to get them into their missions.”

So there, you see? Screw promises ... this war stuff is hard work, y’ know? Especially if yer safe at home, far away from the bullets, the IED’s, the blood and guts and terror and the goddam holy hell we’ve unleashed over there. It’s hard damn work, so you’ll just have to be patient, capiche?

Patient, as in stop yer whinin’ about the troops gettin’ killed ’n maimed and start supportin’ th’ troops gettin’ killed ’n maimed.

Meanwhile, the True Believers in the Republican Party have our backs. Forget about opinion polls; forget about the Democratic majority in Congress; forget about all them fancy, highfalutin’ words in Article I, Section 8 about who really has th’ damn war powers in this country. In fact, forget about Democracy itself. They got a plan.

And the plan is ... A “permanent filibuster for a permanent occupation” ... Has a nice ring to it, no? And all it takes is a simple parliamentary maneuver in the Senate: Require all legislative action on Iraq to meet a sixty-vote threshold or die on the vine. I got yer nuclear option right here, jackasses!

Meanwhile, just in case you thought some Conservative Christians had gone all soft, embracing Jewish folks ’n all, turns out we got a few Army Chaplains who understand which God’s on our side. You see, a fella named Rabbi Jeffrey Goldman -- that’s Army Chaplain Rabbi Jeffrey Goldman -- was stirring up trouble back in Aught One, complaining about anti-Semitic sermons being delivered on his base. So, Capt. Robert Nay, a Christian Chaplain, showed that mean Rabbi Goldman just what the Army thinks of his God: Capt. Nay “hung Nazi uniforms and swastikas on the wall of the officers’ club at Hunter Army Airfield in Savannah, Georgia, during a May 23, 2001 interfaith prayer breakfast Goldman was ordered to attend.”

In an interview, Goldman said seeing the Nazi uniforms did not entirely surprise him. A month earlier, Nay had informed Goldman that he thought it would be "funny" if he dressed up soldiers in the Nazi uniforms on Holocaust Memorial Day, a time when the world memorializes the six million Jews who were slaughtered by the Nazis during World War II.

Well, sure. ’Cuz if a United States Army Chaplain can’t make a joke out of the Holocaust, who can?

But it’s not been all good news on the patriotism front. Seems those whiny babies at Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America are at it again, complaining about the inadequate health care injured veterans receive ... especially those with mental illness and those suffering from traumatic brain injuries.

Sigh. Look, fellas, you don’t understand. It’s your job to get traumatic brain injuries over there so we don’t hafta get traumatic brain injuries over here. Got it? Good ... now get back to work!

So, my fellow patriots, lets keep our chins up, our heads held high, and our asses the hell out of anywhere anybody’s carrying a gun or planting a damn IED.

Anyways (as we say in Chicago) ... thanks again to the General for inviting my Inner Patriot to guest post here. It’s been real!

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.