Sometimes "family values" means kicking your wife's ass

Rep. Mark Olson
Minnesota House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Olson,

I, too have been a victim of religious persecution. I know how terrifying it can be to have Satan's vast resources arrayed against you. I understand how discouraging it can be at times, but you must put your faith in our Lord, Jesus Christ. He will bring you though this trial.

I admit that your wife tells a very compelling story. It's easy to feel compassion for her when she tells of how you threw your Bible at her, knocked her over a bookcase, and bodyslammed her onto your bed bashing her head against the floor in the process.

Worse yet, it's hard not to take her side when she talks about the events of November 12, 2006. The jury at your trial will surely feel sorry for her when she relates how angry you became when she objected to you bullying her 12-year-old autistic son during a Monopoly game, so angry, she will testify, that you slammed her to the floor three times.

After hearing that, the jury is certain to think you're a monster. And who can blame them. Her account of the events will portray you as one.

But as I said before. You will not be alone. The Lord will be there with you when you rebut her testimony. He'll soften their hearts and they will believe that it is you who is the real victim, a man who lived in terror of his brutal wife.

The jury will be aghast when they learn of the multiple times she tore a Bible, the very WORD OF GOD, from your hands and slammed it down on a table. And they'll recoil in horror when you testify that she hit your legs, your primary means of locomotion, not just once, but twice.

And Jesus will be with you as you tell the true story of that November night. He'll cause them to believe your claim that you were frightened by the 12-year-old autistic boy. Who wouldn't be. I mean, dear God, the boy was armed with Monopoly hotel pieces. No wonder you grabbed his mother by the shoulders and, as you say, "placed her on the ground." You can't defend yourself from a menacing pre-teen if you don't first takedown his mother. The Prince of Peace will make the jury see that.

He'll also help you explain that the police misunderstood you when you told them that you were "responsible for failing to control myself under this pressure." Our Lord and Savior will make them understand that it wasn't a confession, rather it was as your lawyer said, you "felt 'responsible for any discord.' And the domestic incident showed [you] had failed in [your] role as head of the household."

But of course you don't need me to tell you all of this. You know you'll have Jesus at your defense table. That's why your attorney is claiming that your "deeply held religious beliefs are the crux of the case."

Good luck.

Heterosexually Yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

p.s. You might consider speaking to my friend, Leah, when you're ready to start dating again. She can introduce you to God-fearing women who respect a man's God-given authority to serve as head of household.