The power of the panties compels you

I know Burma is just about as evil as Venezuela and Massachusetts, but I am very concerned about this approach to making change there:

The Panties for Peace campaign was launched by the women’s organization Lanna Action for Burma (LAB) on Oct. 16, 2007, in the hopes of bringing an end to the military regime’s rampant abuse of Burma’s population – and the abuse of Burma’s women in particular.

[...]

The Panties for Peace campaign plays on the regime leaders’ superstitious fear that contact with a woman’s underpants will rob them of their power. Women around the world are asked to post their panties to local Burmese embassies in a bid to strip the regime of its power and bring an end to its gross violations of human rights, especially those committed against Burma’s women.

What if the same tactics were used here? We all know how effective panties can be. They were an important part of our enhanced interrogation approach at Abu Ghraib. Do we want that kind of power turned against us?

At the very least, a panties attack could destroy our electoral chances in November--remember how sweaters sapped Our Presumed Leader's masculine vitality; imagine what a nice tiger striped thong would do to him. He might as well start singing show tunes now.

Some might say, "it can't happen here," but I'm here to warn you that it can. A fifth column of pantie warriors has arisen in the netroots. There is no-telling what damage they can do if we don't stop them now. That's why I am asking you to contact your congressman and demand legislation outlawing all feminine undergarments other than pantaloons--pantaloons are OK because a man can wear them too (yes, there is nothing wrong with that, dammit)--and, in order to get Sen. Vitter's backing, diapers as well.

She's no pervert

A few days ago, I posted a letter to Leah Kelley, the author of some of the hottest Christian Domestic Discipline romances around today (her crotchless pantaloons aren't bad either). I summarized one of her books, The Wisdom Worker, thusly:

I enjoy how Lucas brings his family closer together by mentally picturing his wife while he's spanking his daughter and thinking about his daughter while he's spanking his wife. That's one healthy Christ-loving family there. I've tried to model it in my own home by thinking about OfJoshua when I'm spanking Sheila, the Militia Morale Ewe. I think it's brought us all closer together.

Writing in her blog, the creatively titled "CDD Blog," Mrs. Kelly takes issue with that description:

The blog written by the good General is extremely inaccurate in its description of my fiction, namely my story The Wisdom Worker. As anyone who has read the story will tell you, Lucas, the hero of The Wisdom Worker, does NOT think of his daughter while disciplining his wife, nor vice versa. That suggestion was a product of the blogger's obviously warped imagination. Lucas was written to be a responsible Christian man leading his home, not a pervert who is interested in sexual activities with his daughter. It doesn't surprise me that someone who calls themselves "Jesus' General" would warp that concept.

As I recall, I took that description from Mrs. Kelley's own summary of the book, found here. Unfortunately, the current summary is different than the one I remember. Either she changed it, or I am indeed, warped.

So too summarize: Mrs. Kelley might worship Our Lord, Jesus Christ, by undergoing regular "mantainance" spankings with a silicone spatula, but by God, she's no pervert.

I should also add that it's comforting to learn that my readers sent her book sales through the roof. That said, I don't want to know how many of you bought crotchless pantaloons.

Update: My inner Frenchman steps in. I'm not sure whether to pity Leah or to hold her in contempt. Obviously, as John notes, her husband is a monster:

I lifted this quote directly from the "maintenance" link the General provided:

My husband informed me this morning we were going to have a maintenance session this evening for the first time in months.

As I mentioned in a previous blog, I've been having a hard time keeping things in order. My husband thinks a maintenance session might help me get back on track. I have neglected my health as of late and have been a bit ill, followed by an exacerbation of fibromyalgia. I am behind on housework a bit (just a bit--I've been careful to keep that going). I'm behind on homeschooling. My husband calls these the three H's-- Health, House, Homeschooling. Letting these slide will get me in trouble faster than anything.

God, this is just down right sad. Seriously. This woman has a medical condition that causes pain and fatigue, thereby causing her to fall behind in a few things. Because of this her husband thinks she needs a FUCKING SPANKING!?!?!? And she also believes that she deserves it!?!? I have to say that I feel sorry for her. Someone this Christopathically detached from reality needs help, starting with leaving that sick sadistic fuck she calls a husband.

But then, she encourages other women to put up with this crap by romanticizing it in her books--or is that another thing the hubby forces her to do to humilate her?

There's also the argument that she's an adult and should just walk away. But is that always an option for everyone? I believe there are people out there who are so emotionally and mentally scarred by abuse they received as children, they are virtually incapable of excercising free will. I'm not saying Leah is one of those people; I don't know anything about her. But you have to wonder.

Leah Dons her Naughty Pantaloons

My friend, Christian domestic discipline romance novelist Leah Kelley, disappeared from the intertubes shortly after I last spoke to her four years ago. Thankfully, I stumbled onto one of her postings last night. It sounds like she's doing very well:

So now on cold days I wear crotch-less pantaloons with knee-high socks or hose. They are made from soft cotton muslin. They usually have a ruffle or lace at the edge. They are comfortable and definitely make me feel feminine, and I am still “available” for my husband. Problem solved.

And she's still churning out the books:

Spanking Romance Stories - Freedom & Prejudice Collection
Ebook Price: $5.99 USD. 49410 words. Fiction by Leah Kelley on December 2, 2010
~56,500 words of Christian Domestic Discipline spanking fiction with a freedom/prejudice theme. Contains TRULY FREE, CAPTIVE DREAMS, DREAM IN BLACK AND WHITE, AND EPHRAIM'S WIFE.

Here are a few short snippets:

Tim dropped the hand still grasping the sheet of paper to his side as he walked down the hallway toward James' study. As he passed closer to Callie's perch just beside the stairs, she could see the paper was, in fact, a poster. A split second before he disappeared from her line of vision, she was able to make out:

REWARD
RUNAWAY SLAVE

[...]

James Parker studied the poster in front of him with no small amount of shock. There was no mistaking that the beautiful octaroon shown in the photograph was none other than his own little wife. The flowing dark curls, the soft vulnerability of her eyes, the wide pink mouth he so loved to kiss--it was all the same. His sweet little Callie had deceived him, that much was clear.

He raised tortured eyes to those of his best friend. Tim's face held all the concern he did not voice.

“Don't worry,” James said, “I won't harm her, at least other than her pretty little posterior. That particular part of her anatomy I won't guarantee.”

[...]

He picked up her hairbrush from the dressing table and weighed it thoughtfully. “I think this will do just fine.”

Callie looked at the hairbrush with horrified distaste. It was oval, made of wood, sanded and varnished. At least as wide as his hand, it was heavy enough, she had no doubt, to administer a very painful wallop.

“No!” she cried, attempting to pull out of his grasp. “Please don't do this! Please...I'll never lie to you again, I swear...just...”

“Callie, hush! Now remove your dressing gown and place yourself here across my knee.” When she shook her head, he added, “Don't make this any harder on yourself. I will go easier for you if you cooperate.”

[...]

Ruthlessly, he spanked the sensitive area nearly raw with hard punishing swats until violent sobs shook her body and her bottom writhed unconsciously upon his thigh. By the time he was finished, Callie was too incoherent to plead and too spent to move.

“Shhh. It's over now, Sweetheart. Shhh...”

After several moments of soothing and comforting, he pushed back the hair that was glued to her face by her tears. “Do you feel better now?” he murmured.

“Yessuh,” came the watery reply.

He leaned back to gaze into her face. “Yessuh?” he grinned. “Are you going to call me 'Massa' next?”

She gave him a small grin, albeit very small, and humored him. “Yes, Massa. If you say so, Massa."

From what I understand, this book is a top seller at Teaparty rallies.

Palin's AG pick best thing since crotchless pantaloons

Serrin M. Foster
President
Feminists for Life of America

Dear Mrs Foster,

As one of Sarah Palin's staunchest defenders, no doubt you are appalled by the public reaction to her Attorney General pick. Obviously, the press is, once again, trying to destroy her by questioning Wayne Anthony Ross's fitness to be AG. They despise her because she is a accomplished woman who fights for the most important feminist values, the same values Ross promotes when he suggests that husbands should be allowed to rape their wives.

Surely, there is nothing more feminist in its very nature than spousal rape. It empowers wives by providing them with the means of gratifying the head of household even when they are not in the mood. If you look at it that way, support for spousal rape is perhaps the greatest innovation in feminist thinking since crotchless pantaloons.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste and biblically appropriate kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

The Opinuary Column

Bless the Little Children
Keep them Round and Clean
Show them what's Acceptable
And Say just What you Mean!
The time is right to Ladle Them
With stories from the Right
Jack may Chop a Beanstalk
But it's Taxes that we Fight!

If the March Hare comes Along
Fretting about Time
Disabuse the Rodent Thus:
Why, Democracy's a Crime!
The few are being Punished
For the Billions that they've Made!
They are the Backbone of the State
They're how Dross and Dreck get Paid!
Why on Earth should They Give More
Little Children, do be Brave
You must Know, Within your Bones
The Rich Must Now Be Saved!

Come to the Tea Party! dear, dear Ones
Come eat Cookies and Drink Punch
If you will do a Kindness There
We may just give you Lunch!
Oh, tell your Friends, bring them All!
A Nation will be Proud
You are the Army of the Rich
It's Time you Sang out Loud:

"Banish all the Socialists!
The Lazy Health Care Fiends!
Vote against your Interests
Give us your Magic Beans!
Keep God and Country Uppermost
And hang on to your Purity!
It may just come in Handy
When you've lost Social Security!
Remember that the War is Good
Whichever War is Going
Debt that comes from Killing Others
Is like the Wind that's Blowing"

The Mad Hatter and the Dormouse
And the March Hare all Agreed
They had drunk from all the Cups
It was Time to take a Pee
But just when they were Ready
With Pantaloons Unclasped
They found their Reach Exceeded
The Thing they call Their Grasp
And Bladders cannot hold Forever
No Matter what your Stance
Tea Parties start with Laughter
By the End You've Pissed Your Pants

++++

What Sister Goodling quotes at DOJ prayer and torture meetings

Update: Mrs. Kelly takes issue with my description of her book, The Wisdom Worker.

Leah Kelley
Christian Domestic Discipline Romance Writer

Dear Mrs. Kelly,

I think I've read just about everything you've published, both fiction and non-fiction (not that I regularly read ladies books or anything; I only read your romances to see if they're appropriate for my wife, OfJoshua). I think my favorite has to be The Wisdom Worker. I enjoy how Lucas brings his family closer together by mentally picturing his wife while he's spanking his daughter and thinking about his daughter while he's spanking his wife. That's one healthy Christ-loving family there. I've tried to model it in my own home by thinking about OfJoshua when I'm spanking Sheila, the Militia Morale Ewe. I think it's brought us all closer together.

That's not to say that your other books aren't just about as good. I really enjoyed how you wove our most traditional Heartland values into Captive Dreams by having the southern gentleman whip the slave girl he loves so much. You should see if Rush Limbaugh would be willing to give you a quote for the jacket.

And of course, I shouldn't leave out Torin of Cumberwolf. How can you not love a story about a lord who poses as his own fyrdsman so he can take a willow to the woman he loves. That's what I call romance.

I was wondering if you had ever thought about writing a book like this for men. I'm thinking of a story featuring...oh...say a commander of a christian militia group, a man who sometimes enjoys the final act of ultimate domination a bit too much when he's honoring his fellow warriors while wrestling them naked in the ancient manner of our Spartan forebears. Let's say he feels really guilty about it, but being the family patriarch, he can't turn to his wife for a good spanking--that wouldn't be Christian---so he visits a man in Seattle who spanks men for money. But sometimes, he enjoys the sting of the Terrible Spatula of Redemption a little too much and, tempted by Satan, he pays the man a little extra for a good, old-fashioned rogering.

That'd make a great book wouldn't it? I mean, it has all the elements of a good Christian domestic discipline romance novel: the sin, the strong, handsome, leather-outfitted guy with a spatula, and a lot of good, old-fashioned rogering. I bet it would sell like sock-bulges at a Promise Keepers rally. I'd love to help you write it.

Heterosexually yours in a stern yet chaste and biblically appropriate kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Update: Nothing gets a patriarch's juices flowing quite like seeing his wife dressed in Leah's special crotchless pantaloons.

Update II: Why Leah's daughter is not a Girl Scout:

My problem with the Girl Scouts of America began unexpectedly one evening after I was asked by my daughter’s Girl Scout leader to attend a regional meeting for our troop since she couldn’t make it herself.

I arrived just as the meeting was getting ready to begin, nodding at all the ladies present as I seated myself around the table with perhaps fifteen or twenty other Girl Scout leaders. After sitting my purse in the floor and opening my steno book to take notes, I turned my full attention to the woman in charge of the meeting when all of a sudden I began to feel this…frigidness… this overwhelming coldness and oppression I recognized at once as originating from Satan.

I was confused. As I looked around the room, I noticed that the majority of the other leaders all had their hair cut off clean to their ears and were dressed quite manly, but other than that, I could see nothing out of the ordinary. No one was overly friendly, but neither were they unfriendly.

I could hardly wait to get out of that meeting. If you have ever experienced spiritual discernment and have felt the cold oppressiveness of evil, you will understand what I mean. If you have not, please don’t think I’m a complete nutcase. This rarely happens to me, but when it does, I know there’s a good reason for it.

I left that meeting completely perplexed. However, knowing that I felt what I felt, I made my way home and began my search for the reason behind it. It didn’t take me long to find the first of it. A simple glance at an article on CBN.com explained a whole lot. Girl Scouts of America was involved, perhaps even heavily involved, with Planned Parenthood.

A helmet tip to Anntichrist S. Coulter.

It Ain't Easy Being A Christian Head of Household

It ain't easy being a Christian head of household. A righteous HOH explains:

I let my wife make the everyday decisions, like what's for dinner, and what she wants to do for fun. But any of the major things, like disciplining the kids, I decide. This takes quite a burden off of her, but she doesn't always agree with my decisions.

She thinks I am being too lenient on the kids and I have to explain my reasons to her. She doesn't think it's fair when she gets punished for an argument with our oldest son, but he doesn't get punished. Sometimes, she jumps in and aggravates the situation while I am trying to teach a lesson. I have to tell her she never gets disciplined for what our son does, but rather for her actions in the situation.

Being the HoH means I take charge in any family situation that I see getting out of hand. I step in and what I say goes. I now require my wife to say, "Yes Sir", any time I use her name and tell her to do something. This has worked wonders for her understanding that I am in control of the situation and she must obey. This requires her immediate submission to my authority and puts her in a submissive mindset. This has also caused a favorable response in the kids, even though I do not require them yet to say, "yes sir". My wife is now setting a good example and the kids will soon follow. The entire family now knows that I am in charge and what I say goes. There is no longer any attempt to "convince Mom" into getting their way.

Earlier:

• What Sister Goodling quotes at DOJ prayer and torture meetings
• She's no pervert
• Leah Dons her Naughty Pantaloons
• Jesus Wields a Nasty Spatula

Now for Something Completely Different

An exciting update from my hometown paper:

Boyd's thoughts are clouded with weed again:

A group of college students and their instructor come out to learn about Medushead Rye on Boyd Udy’s ranch. It was only a small spot, but it will still be sprayed. This patch was a good example of the weed and easily accessible to weed control sprayers. Boyd says he is proud of the conservation district for coming out and really investigating the weed situation, then doing something about it.

Jim and Starr Mitchell have had a busy summer:

They haven’t done any fishing, but are looking forward to the bookmobile next week.

But the heat isn't stopping the Wheatleys from getting out and about:

Laura Wheatley and daughters joined Laura’s friend from college and her children for a swim in the Brigham City pool.

Winnie is running around like a calf on castration day:

On Saturday, Winnie received a call from Rick Mitton in Plymouth. He is training a Double S Bar horse for Dan Keetch. This horse needed some pictures taken of it for AQHA registration. Winnie hopped into her car, drove to Plymouth, took the pictures and then drove down to Brigham City to get them developed at Walmart.

Straight From the Catwalks of Colorado City

Maggie Jessop
FLDS Clothing

Dear Sister Jessop,

I always welcome the addition of a another modesty-oriented clothing site to the web, and I'm glad the sisters of the FDLS are finally making their clothing available to the public. That said, I am concerned that your offerings may be a bit too flashy. As you know, the Lord commanded us in the Doctrine and Covenants to "not be proud in thy heart; let all thy garments be plain," (DC 42:40). I'm not sure the racy pastels you employ meet that plainness requirement. Wouldn't a simple white, gray, or black be much better? Think about it. Even the crotchless pantaloons you can buy at the Traditional Christian Marriage Store come only in white. You'll never be accepted as a truly Christian religion if you continue to offer such sluttishly-hued clothing.

You might also consider expanding your line. Given your beliefs, it makes very little sense for you to offer the Teen Princess Dress without also offering it in a maternity version. Heck, the maternity cut should be the only style you make, shouldn't it?

Heterosexually yours in a chaste and biblically, Book of Mormonly, Doctrine and Covenantsly, and Pearl of Great Pricely kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot