Why I Avoid Dr. Dre

Jessica Colón
Chair, Young Republican National Federation

Dear Mrs. Colón,

What ever happened to loyalty? You and the rest of the Young Republican leadership were Glenn Murphy's best friends when he was leading your slate as the nominee for chair, and you all sure as hell crowded in to get your pictures taken with him when your slate won. But the moment he gets caught sucking on a sleeping colleague's tiny republican, you all start scrambling over each other to accept his resignation.

Couldn't you have held off for a few days until all the facts were known? If you had, you would have learned from Florida State Representative Bob Allen (R-Slurp) that Republican officials aren't responsible for putting guys thingies in their mouths. Black people make them do it.

Frankly, I don't know why it's taken so long for people to figure it out. Heck, my own mouth is usually stuffed with private johnsons before Barry White gets to his first groan on the radio. I bet that's what happened to Sen. Larry Craig in that Union Station restroom as well. There are always a lot of black people there. South Carolina too...need I say more about Lindsey Graham?

Anyway, I bet ex-Chairman Murphy was just lying there in bed with his sleeping YRNF colleague, trying to peek around young Reagan's morning wood to see the tee vee, when, BAM, Soul Train comes on and Murphy's mouth immediately latches on to the most available hunk of GOPper sausage around. You can't blame him for that. It was Soul Train's fault.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste, black-man-avoiding, and biblically appropriate kind of way,

Gen JC Christian, patriot