Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Captain Ahab has a Haul Ass Boat and a Big Ass Gun

Wayne Johnson
Makah Whaling Commission

Dear Mr. Johnson,

There aren't many men like you around these days. Brave, courageous men, who willingly slap nature in her face, daring her to come back with her best shot. You're even a rarity in Neah Bay, where for centuries, Makah men harpooned whales while standing in tiny canoes. As you said yourself, "I'm feeling kind of proud. ... There is only a few guys in Neah Bay that can get a whale and bring everyone home safely."

And you did just that in 1999, when you took a whale, the first one harvested legally in seventy years, in the traditional way of your fathers--that is from a canoe, with a harpoon, and a .50 cal. machine gun.

And you did it again on Saturday violating a court order, the trust of those who placed you on the tribe's whaling commission, and the legal requirement that you use a canoe in the tradition of your fathers. Now the tribal council says you will be punished for it, but you don't care. The thrill of running down a whale in a motor boat and dispatching it with harpoons and .460 Weatherby magnum made it worth any punisment you may receive.

There will be those who will call you a coward for using a fast motorboat, but they aren't whale hunters; they aren't the brave man you are, and they don't understand that you could have lost your nice sea canoe if you were caught. And besides, hunting whales from a fucking canoe is dangerous.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.