Robert A. Iger
President and CEO
The Walt Disney Company
Dear Mr. Iger,
It's a shame that you had to let Alexis Debat go from your ABC News division. He was the personification of Disney's and ABC's standard of truth as far as I was concerned. Certainly, his ability to conduct interviews and identify national security threats without actually talking to anyone other than his cat will be greatly missed by Disney.
I imagine you're looking for a new "national security expert" to continue Debat's work promoting war with Iraq by fueling public fears about the coming Persian aggression. I hope you'll consider hiring me. I believe I'm the perfect man for the job. I gained a thorough understanding of just how important things like truth and accuracy are to your company by watching your docudrama, Path to 911, and I want to put that knowledge to work.
I've already written my first investigative report. It tells the story of how Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad infiltrated special homocomandos into the United States in order to discredit our strongest voices for war with his country. I start out by exploring their earliest operations, posing as young swarthy teenage pages to bring down Rep. Mark Foley, and entrapping Sen. Larry Craig by disguising their little commandos to look like Tootsie Pops. Then I move onto their most ambitious project, the murder of three GOP party officials, who were also very close friends of Rep. Patrick McHenry, and making it look like a homosexual love triangle murder suicides with ties to a male escort ring scandal.
Like Debat and Path to 911 producer, Cyrus Nowrasteh, I have all the evidence you need in my head. I can't lay it all out for you, but that hasn't been a problem for you before. Besides, no one will want to see the evidence anyway, once I explain that we're simply trying to prevent the smoking gun from being a mushroom cloud.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.