Looking for Virgins in All the Wrong Places

Dear wholesome reality television production company,

I was a bit surprised to find the following ad in Portand's Craigslist:

CALLING ALL VIRGINS!! Now Casting Virgins for New Documentary (18+) (Portland)

Are you a VIRGIN?
Getting pressure to lose your virginity?
Struggling with your sexuality and trying find yourself?

Don't miss your chance to inspire others with your story. The producers of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Deal or No Deal and Wipeout AND a major family friendly cable network are now casting virgins in a documentary style show that will follow you on your journey through life as a virgin.

If you're a virgin and feel like your story MUST be told, then we want to hear you. Email the following information!

- Name
- Contact Numbers
- Email Address & Facebook
- Attach 2 RECENT photos of yourself
- Briefly tell us about your day-to-day life.
- Tell us why you've made the decision to wait.
- How does is affect you and those around you?

Participants must be 18 years of age

Portland? Really? Everybody knows there aren't any 18-year-old virgins in Portland. You should redirect your search toward a community that is more evocative of heartland values.

I'd suggest Wasilla, Alaska.

Well, uh, OK, maybe not Wasilla.

Still, I think you're going about it in the wrong way. You should consider approaching famous people who are known to be practicing virgins. It'd make for a much better show. Heck, you could give it a sexy name like, "Virginity with the Stars."

Rep. Patrick McHenry would be perfect for it. He's a 36-year-old camping enthusiast, who's never been married, and scored a perfect 100% rating from the Christian Coalition in 2010.

He's also known for his philanthropic enterprises. His "Serve the Member" program and "Hostel for Strapping Young Republican Lads" are lauded in all the best backrooms scattered along P Street.

If you're looking to make compelling television, Rep. McHenry is your man. Go get him.

The Gay Plot to Knock Up America

Maggie Gallagher
Marriage Activist, Columnist

Dear Mrs. Gallagher,

I suspected that the drive to award basic human rights to the gay would lead to all sorts of problems, and you confirmed it in your recent post to The Corner:

Is it mere coincidence that this resurgence in illegitimacy happened during the five years in which gay marriage has become (not thanks to me or my choice) the most prominent marriage issue in America...

You're right. There is certainly a relationship between the two, but it may be hard to prove. No doubt the forces of homislamunistofascism will tout that lack of proof as evidence that you are a cold, unfeeling, delusional bigot. They may even mock you and try to discredit you by inventing crazy, byzantine explanations to help you "prove" your thesis.

I can end all of that now, by telling the truth about my unwitting involvement in the gay plot to knock up America. Yes, it's embarrassing and I'm ashamed to admit it, but I think it will help you defend your claims.

It all started with a letter I wrote to Rep. Patrick McHenry in which I asked for his help in ending the Tubesock Holocaust. Specifically, I asked him for an earmark to increase the size of my cellar--the place where I store the mason jars in which I house my liberated Spermatazoan-Americans. I never heard back from him, personally, but I did receive a response from a group of College Republicans who claimed to be close to Rep. McHenry. They wanted to learn more, so I invited them all out to the compound for training.

I should have been more alert and heeded all the warning signs I saw during the training. For instance, none of them brought mason jars; they brought fancy crystal decanters instead. That seemed fishy to me. I was also suspicious about their reaction to the actual liberation ritual. I know it's an exciting event, but they seemed a little too excited if you know what I mean. And when it came time for them to give it a try, they couldn't because they had already liberated their S-As into their pants while watching me. That should have been the clincher for me, but I gave them the benefit of doubt-- the same had happened to me many times as I watched wrestling or a good prison movie.

So anyway, I did the training and didn't hear from them until a couple of months later when one of them sent me an invitation to a liberation party he was holding. I happily accepted. I wanted to see my ideas in action.

I realized the enormity of my mistake the moment I arrived. There must have been fifty men in the room, each naked and covered head-to-toe in gold body paint. They all wore little gold wings glued somehow to their backs and each held a crystal decanter in one hand and a turkey baster "wand" in the other.

Well as you can imagine, I was very shocked and confused. That is until I saw the huge banner on the wall that said, "Welcome Sperm Fairies" in big, gold, cursive letters. It was then that the Holy Spirit spoke to me, saying, "These folks aren't exactly 110% heterosexual, General."

But there was something about the gathering that compelled me to stay, and that was good, because that's how I learned the truth about the gay plot to knock up America. One of the men asked me to help him with the liberation ritual, and I obliged by giving him a hand. He was very grateful, and we began talking about what he called "The Sperm Fairy Movement." He told me they met a couple of times a week and liberated huge amounts of sperm which they used to impregnate unsuspecting women using their turkey baster wands. He refused to go into much detail on how that was done, exactly, but I suspect it has something to do with toilet seats or bicycles. Who knows.

He said it was all a plan to replace hetero genes with the gay gene--or as we both know, the genes that allow people to choose to be gay--but I wasn't going to argue with him about that.

So there you have it: your link between the gay and increasing out-of-wedlock births. I hope it helps.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste and biblically correct kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

The impotence of being almost earnest

Rep. Patrick McHenry
Founder, Rep. McHenry's Hostel for Strapping Young Republican Lads

Dear Rep. McHenry,

It surprises me that so few people understand just how important you are. After all, you are a Congressman. That's important. You're also the go-to-guy for strapping, young, Republican lads who need a bed for the night. That's important. You've been tied to a multiple-murder investigation involving homosexual prostitutes and organized crime figures. That's important too. So why don't people see you that way?

I know it's not your fault. You've tried very hard to publicize your importance. In just the last few weeks alone, you bragged to an audience at a Republican dinner that you had berated a security guard in Iraq. And then there's that video you put up on your website--the one in which you proved your importance my broadcasting all the secret operational military information you had.

But, unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be working. If anything, it's backfired. Your own local newspapers are calling for your head.

We need to turn that around. Below, you'll find my suggestions for other ways to make yourself seem important:

Ways to make Patrick McHenry seem important

• Get on Fox and announce the exact location of Dick Cheney's undisclosed location.
• Go to NYC, do the Pope, and put it on YouTube.
• Do a public demonstration on how to build a dirty bomb with easily obtainable materials.
• Call Barack Obama, "boy."
  
• Take 20 items to the "nine items or less" check out stand. If anyone complains, tell them you can have them "gitmo'd."
• Bitch slap Geraldo and say "I'm getting away with it, just like Fox."
• Take Sen. Lieberman's place at the podium the next time a torturer is honored.
• Stand up in the middle of a floor debate and announce that you're so respected in conservative circles, you often put your "little, but important, congressman" inside Lindsey Graham's mouth without fear of being bitten.
  

I hope my suggestions help.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Micky bombs Tehran

Robert A. Iger
President and CEO
The Walt Disney Company

Dear Mr. Iger,

It's a shame that you had to let Alexis Debat go from your ABC News division. He was the personification of Disney's and ABC's standard of truth as far as I was concerned. Certainly, his ability to conduct interviews and identify national security threats without actually talking to anyone other than his cat will be greatly missed by Disney.

I imagine you're looking for a new "national security expert" to continue Debat's work promoting war with Iraq by fueling public fears about the coming Persian aggression. I hope you'll consider hiring me. I believe I'm the perfect man for the job. I gained a thorough understanding of just how important things like truth and accuracy are to your company by watching your docudrama, Path to 911, and I want to put that knowledge to work.

I've already written my first investigative report. It tells the story of how Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad infiltrated special homocomandos into the United States in order to discredit our strongest voices for war with his country. I start out by exploring their earliest operations, posing as young swarthy teenage pages to bring down Rep. Mark Foley, and entrapping Sen. Larry Craig by disguising their little commandos to look like Tootsie Pops. Then I move onto their most ambitious project, the murder of three GOP party officials, who were also very close friends of Rep. Patrick McHenry, and making it look like a homosexual love triangle murder suicides with ties to a male escort ring scandal.

Like Debat and Path to 911 producer, Cyrus Nowrasteh, I have all the evidence you need in my head. I can't lay it all out for you, but that hasn't been a problem for you before. Besides, no one will want to see the evidence anyway, once I explain that we're simply trying to prevent the smoking gun from being a mushroom cloud.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Can Rep. McHenry's Hostel for Strapping Young Republican Lads survive this?

Mitch McConnell
Senate Minority Leader

Dear Sen. McConnell,

I'm going to be blunt. By buying into the libislamunistfascist spin about Larry Craig being a homosexual, you are destroying the party's ability to retake the Senate for decades to come. Larry Craig is not a homosexual. He's told us that. He's just as heterosexual as you and Lindsey Graham. You shouldn't have tried to force him to resign. He deserved to be treated the same way you treated Sen. Vitter, who admitted to breaking the law by paying a harlot to change his diaper--that is to say, you should have given Sen. Craig your full support.

I understand that after hearing stories about Sen. Craig sucking anonymous little soldiers in restrooms across this great nation, it's easy to jump to the conclusion that he might be dancing with Dorothy. But think about it. Isn't it just as likely that this very heterosexual married man was looking for something his wife was unable to provide for him: a hot, throbbing slab of hard salami to swallow? We've all been there haven't we? We want something that our wives can't give, so we exercise our patriarchal privilege to get it elsewhere.

But now that you've adopted the Democratic frame that such behavior is homosexual in nature, you've jeopardized the careers of a lot of good, anti-homosexual politicians who are also rumored to be looking outside their marriage for a little sausage slurping action, good men like Sen. Lindsey Graham, Representatives David Dreier and Patrick McHenry, and even yourself.

I'm especially worried about Rep. Patrick McHenry. His name seems to be coming up a lot in connection with that GOP heterosexual naked wrestling triangle's murder-suicide investigation. One of the dead men, anti-homosexual political strategist and former executive director of the Georgia Republican Committee Ralph Gonzalez, was connected with a service that would send men to hotel rooms to help husbands get what they wanted. He is also said to have been Rep. McHenry's close personal friend, perhaps even a former guest of Rep. McHenry's Hostel for Strapping Young Republican Lads.

How do you expect him to explain himself if it comes out that he too loves to occasionally suck a little soldier in a completely heterosexual manner? You've pretty much sealed his fate, haven't you? Perhaps you've sealed your fate as well, and Grahams and Dreiers too for that matter.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Beer, underage boys, election fixing, and some Patrick McHenry tongue action

I think it's very important for us to remind ourselves that anti-homosexual crusader Patrick McHenry is 110% heterosexual. Really, he is. So remember that.

In other news: I'm still on the road. Thanks to those who've pitched in, and those of you with the keys are welcome to post a few more. I'll be home on Sunday.