A true family values candidate enters the race.

Alan Keyes
GOP Presidential Candidate

Dear Mr. Keyes,

Like many god-fearing Americans, I answer the Values Voters Debate organizer's call to fast in order "to let God know we're serious about restoring righteous leadership to our land. Pray He uses the V² Debate to reveal His choice." I see today's news that you've entered the presidential race as God's response to the many bags of Cheetos and cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon I've forgone this week.

Until now, I haven't seen a presidential candidate I can fully support. Sure, they're all good on values issues like finding new, more painful ways to torture people, but by God, as far as I know not a single one of them have blamed 911 on abortion or spoken out against the abomination of allowing people to elect their senators. You're the only one.

And by God, no candidate, not even Sam Brownback or Mike Huckabee, has stood up for family values by disowning one of their own children for being a homosexual. I thank you for it. A candidate can't get any more family values than that.

It caused me to re-evaluate my relationship with a homosexual in my own family, my dog, Brutus. I followed your example and banished him from my house for his homosexuality. I've also considered banishing his partner in crime, but I am too spiritually weak to ask a doctor to amputate my leg. I'm very ashamed that I can't be stronger. I know you'd do it.

Well, good luck. I'll continue fasting until the debate. I'll also start whipping myself daily like our Opus Dei members on the court, Justices Scalia, Roberts, and Alito.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot