Glenn Beck, Commie Hunter

Richard D. Parsons
CEO, Time-Warner Inc.

Dear Mr. Parsons,

I admit I was a bit reluctant to accept CNN Headline News's invitation to serve as Glenn Beck's viewer last night. It's such a big responsibility, and I have a very weak bladder. What if I had to use the restroom? Would some ambitious underling take advantage of the situation and cancel the program while no one--and I mean that literally--no one was watching? I'm not sure CNN's leadership could survive that. Canceling Glenn Beck's show would be seen as an admission that they made a mistake when they hired a right wing radio demagogue to host a "news" show. It'd be like President Bush admitting that invading Iraq was a terrible mistake. It's better that CNN-HN continue to sacrifice ratings like the President sacrifices soldiers--it's a small price to pay to preserve an ego.

In the end, I agreed and watched Beck's program. I can't say I liked it--Beck just seems too much like that uncle whose always giggling while adjusting himself--he's creepy. That said, I was very impressed with the frequency with which he accused people of being socialists or promoting socialist programs. In just the 10 minutes I watched (OK, I admit that I went to the restroom a number of times--but no one noticed),he called environmentalists, scientists, Hillary Clinton, and "the Democrat candidates" socialists, and asked Mitt Romney if his health care plan "might be a little too socialist." By my calculations, that amounts to using the word socialist to disparage someone or some policy once every 2 minutes--I felt like I was watching Joe McCarthy reincarnated.

But even his red-baiting could use a little work. His delivery was rough. Although I enjoyed how he would raise his voice and make constipated straining noises every time he used the word socialist, the effect was ruined when his voice inevitably cracked. He sounded like a pubescent Bobcat Goldthwait.

And that got me to thinking. Does CNN still have James Earl Jones under contract? The "This is CNN" thing he use to do for you sounded like the voice of God. Perhaps you could get him to record the word "socialist" and have Beck lipsynch it. That'd put an end to the voice cracking problem and probably prevent him from having a hernia from making that straining noise.

I bet you might even get a second viewer out of it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot